To KO or not to KO? : Consortship, Structure, Community, and Soul Components

I’ve been thinking of signing up for the Kemetic Orthodoxy beginner course…

A few months ago, Set told me not to sign up for it then, when I first got interested.  I think it’s because I was newer to my thing with him, romantically,  and we hadn’t finished some stuff we were working through yet. A month or more later, I also found out that KO doesn’t encourage god-consortship– in the, “If that’s a thing you do, you shouldn’t do it here,” sense.

And I think he would be okay with it now…  But it sucks, because I intend to stay in a consort relationship with Set… AND I want more grounding, spiritual structure and community organization my practice right now– And I see KO and think, Maybe that’s a thing that I could do… Maybe I could find meaning in learning what they have to teach… Using the forums… Talking with others…

And I’m not gonna lie, the RPD (Rite of Parent Divination) REALLY catches my eye…. I’d like to have my theory supported, honestly as to who my “parents” and “beloveds” are, but since I don’t really think the terms are an exact equivalent to human terms, I suspect/worry/hope that Set and Nebet-Het would appear as my “parents.”  … Which could suddenly make the term “parent” very awkward with regards to Set… As a consort… So yeah. And that’s why I wouldn’t really use that term– but it would be cool to maybe get it confirmed that Set and Nebet-Het are my…. “Very Important, Primary Deities,” who gave birth to my human existence– and whose soul energies and love, run through me like soul-DNA, and lay the foundation structure of who I am able to become.

That also begs the question, for me, of… can you suspect you are a shard of a deity– or contain shards of that deity and take a KO class or, if allowed, take the RPD…

Because I have a lot of UPG evidence and astral shenanigans that suggest I have a really large shard of Nebet-Het inside me, and also a (smaller) shard of Set… It seems to have something to do with healing HER and healing their relationship… And healing me in order to accomplish those things?? SO like… a vessel for healing who is also… a part of the actual… deities…. It’s weird.

(Basically *Smush deities’ ouchy energy together into a being, send being to earth to cry and hurt and heal for some-odd years… reap rewards later! Yay! *)

So, I feel kinda conflicted and bummed.  As a queer person, as a nonbinary trans person, a traumatized person, and an Autistic person, I’m no stranger to being a horrible outsider cockroach, seemingly ruining everyone else’s good time by merely demanding the right to exist… And I’m bitter about that… However, I’m also a white person, and there’s a long history of white people demanding access to things that we actually have no right to, and then demanding that everything be changed to fit our European-based cultural values and demands, and ruining everything for everyone else when it was originally theirs and we just fucking took it because we’re assholes who resort to genocide when we have a tantrum… *deep breath*

And I know that neither of these situations is the actual same exact thing, but both are mulling around in my head while I’m like, “……………Do I even have a right to ask to take a beginner class? When I’m already breaking their rules…… ? Is it ethically necessary that I tell them that I’m a consort before asking to take the class or RPD? Or is it better to just never talk about it and not make it a thing, and feel kinda lonely and keep my guard up and always know that deep down, I am an outsider and not welcome and maybe shouldn’t even go here? Or that I’m only welcome with the caveat that I don’t tell anyone my dearest, vulnerable way that I love Set?”

So….. Shit. I don’t have an answer.

I guess it boils down to : How much wiggle room is there? How much do I have to obey the rules to test my foot in the waters, and if I end up getting far enough to take the RPD, is it going to be bad, bad vibes and not cool if I decide to back out and not do KO?  Or stay in KO because I like it and still be a god consort?

….

:/

Robin

–Of The Heart Road

My Tarot Journal

I absolutely LOVE the Ma’at Tarot. Love LOVE it. Want it. Etc.

Right now this is the only tarot app I have on my phone because it’s just SO PERFECT.

I used to do tarot journaling on my Instagram, but since I’ve shifted away from using Instagram as my major social media platform for the time being, I’ve needed a place to write down my tarot journals.

So, I created the Heart Road Tarot tumblr! Here is where I’ll be posting some of my better  tarot journal entries, my favorite spreads found on the internet, any passing insights or responses to others’ public readings, and maybe some of my own public readings.

This blog isn’t meant to be a functional store to purchase readings yet, but I hope by collecting my journal entries, I can direct future customers, or other interested parties, to a place they can get a taste of my reading style.

Otherwise, it’s feel free to enjoy it!

Tarot Journal: 9/29/2017

About My Astral Soul Makeup, Who I Am, and Why I’m Here.

“Set: 9 of Cups (a seed of hope and wishes and trust)
Nephthys: Princess of Swords (A sacrifice so another could live… Becoming the one who would live. A Steven Universe situation.)

Result: King of Pentacles. (Soul lineage. Soul formation. A resurrection? A remaking.)

The Core: The Lovers (Set and Nephthys. A union. A reunion. A twinning. A spiraling. An “I’m not leaving without you. I love you. Come with me and together we can go far… Journey with me. Share with me. Love each of us with me, and us both as one being. Dance with me and make a star shine of our brilliance.”)

Air: Ace if Cups (Ideas and feelings pouring forth.)
Fire: The Hermit (Looking for self-understanding)
Earth: Queen of Wands (spinning a tale, finding something I can use out of this raw form)
Water: 5 of Cups (trying to find out how to find beauty and potential in the situation instead of focusing on loss.)

The Past: Prince of Cups (An ambitious soul full of other-planar love and fire. A fresh soul. A curious, spirited traveller. Someone who knew they could get the job done. —- remembering Set saying “Oh, I like this one!” With a wicked grin.)

Present: 9 of Pentacles (A woman, Nephthys, keeps herself sequestered until the gestation of life is complete. She holds the Ba of the new life in her hand, in a calming blindfold, until it is ready to take flight.)

Set’s motivation for this series of events: The World + Prince of Wands (Remembering Set telling me not to die, saying “I need you to be in the World.” … Loving a child who is very very very precious to him. Watching them grow. To become someone amazing who would change possibilities.)

Nephthys’s motivation for this series of events: 10 of Cups + 8 of Wands (“I want a happy ending for all of us.. I want to live with my husband. I want us to live together in harmony with our fears behind us. I want a happy ending for us all. I want the world to see it and know what possibilities are out there waiting if you reach to grasp it without fear.”. “I want to change the story. I cannot erase the past but I can clear the old from my heart and fill it with the new and the wonderful and joyous.” – That thing she did with the records of her existences .. she’s changing she’s changing herself. Instead of the past, she is changing herself her records of who she is her energetic makeup , her future. Undoing old ties that keep her trapped and remaking them (((echoes in my head dear gods…))) She changes and changes and changes and is alive. Growth , moving forward. She listens to the beat of her heart and knows she is alive because blood pulses through her and it is the sound of changes for the better. Life is change life is change . She lives she changes. She changes she is alive. She is alive alive alive and isn’t it wonderful?!)

An Anchor: 8 of Cups. (moving on, moving forward.)

A Goal: 2 of Cups (a marriage. A union….

“And we are as one again.”. In bliss..)”

 

Tarot Journal: 10/2/2017

About My Decision About What’s Best For Me and What I Want

“Patient work is rewarded. Work at love. Exist in the balance of both realms– earthly and spiritual. And the rewards are everything you wish for and more.”

Sincerely,

Robin,

Of The Heart Road

An Amazing Discovery

The last couple of days, I have felt like an adult.

Not just having the responsibilities of one, but having the autonomy and the ability to create the life in which I can be happy.

I’m not any “better off” financially, nor have my responsibilities changed, nor am I all free of cares or the necessity of having a job– 

But I FEEL like an adult. Like the good parts that the younger me imagined I could have as an adult.

I feel like I can be my best self while I’m alive, and that I can really get to a place inside myself and out where I feel happy, and free, and proud of myself.

Instead of being a pipe dream, or an escape, I feel like it is a tangible and existing thing in my chest.

It’s really amazing.
–Robin

Of The Heart Road

Brain-Dumping About Deity Abuse

The deity abuse thing– I feel like I’m doing more coping than healing or resolving anything. Part of me doesn’t want to go back and re-analyze and relive the events that happened and the confusion therein to process it all– which is the same as what happened when I was abused in a human relationship. When the heart and mind are overwhelmed, the instinct is to numb– so that’s what I’ve been doing…

Being numb and bitter.

I haven’t even been talking to Set all that much, because I am really confused what part he has played in the whole thing.  Half the time, I was convinced he was telling me to leave the situation, and at other times, I thought he was supporting it and telling me to keep going at it…

And I regret trying so hard to please them both so much, even about different things at the same time, that I ended up losing my center again.

And maybe that was part of this– that I just didn’t know who the fuck I was, what I was about, or what I was doing, so I was essentially just farting around until some bullshit happened I didn’t know how I’d gotten myself into.

And the fallout of this has led me to seek a new anchor– because It’s painfully clear to me now that I cannot base my spiritual practice, or my life around wanting someone to love me.  Not him, not Set, not the Netjeru, not humans, not anyone.

So now I feel like focusing on ma’at– what had first inspired me to explore Kemeticism.

Ma’at, to me, is balance, harmony, cosmic order, social justice, righteousness, and sustainable right action that supports the life of the Netjeru and humans. Ma’at is taking care of yourself for the sake of your future, even if you don’t feel like doing it now. Ma’at is doing the right thing even if it’s hard Ma’at is knowing your limits of when to stop, rest, reconsider, or regroup. Ma’at is living in service of the present and the future you want to create.

So that’s what I’ve been doing– I’ve been taking care of myself and my future: washing dishes, taking the trash out, giving my cat his medicine, taking a shower, making long-term plans for my personal development, resisting the urge to self-destruct and start over, as I have done many times before, talking with my friends and reminding myself what good people I love and surround myself with, reading about sustainable living, and of course, a little bit of nothing at all, like watching Netflix just to rest, etc.

A part of me wonders if the whole thing– mistreatment by a deity– was intended to push me toward ma’at and my personal grounding in it, or if it was just happenstance.  Gods playing games and the pieces falling where they may… No matter how many pieces the movable pieces are in themselves by the end of it.

If it was all a game or a gamble, the trickster in any case– probably would have accepted either outcome. After all, he had nothing to lose, did he?

But is that true?  I guess it’s only true if he was in it for the game from the beginning– If he was lying to me the whole time. Even as friends. If the friendship before the catastrophe was never real– if he was manipulating me the entire time.

But in any case, whatever it was to him, it feels like a loss to me.  Because I thought it was real.

I guess that’s the way things are.

I wish I could tie this up into a neat little bow of understanding, and “Omg, I GET it now, and it’s all been worth it!” but I don’t know how.

Transcententthrone did a small reading for me in the middle of the bullshit storm that was addressed to the trickster, asking him just what the hell, man?? And the response message was a really cold “Endurance.”

It left me feeling flat and unimpressed with the deity’s callous brush-off.

Now, weeks later, I ordered Chinese food yesterday, which came with a fortune cookie. The paper inside read, “Heroism is enduring for a moment longer.”

Enduring what?? Enduring FOR WHAT?? Gods darn it I wish gods made any sense at all.

Endure what for what?

Endure abuse for attention?

Endure abuse and heartache for strength?

Then godphone kicks in and says, “Endure not knowing for your ultimate satisfaction.”

 

-Robin

Of The Heart Road

Devotion

Loki and I talked. He helped me realize what this was all about, between him and me.

Even though I have said I am polyamorous from the very beginning, with Set… And even though I have always planned on loving more than just one person– god or no… And even though sex with other gods and entities has always been on the table as a possibility (and active practice)…

I was afraid that loving more than one person romantically at the same time would diminish my love for one or both of them.

I also thought for a bit that Loki was trying to trick me or use me– but that seems in hindsight to have been just a scared diversion from my real fears and feelings.

I was afraid to love him.

And damn it, he knew it before I did. And him trying to tell me scared me even more.

Not long ago, Set showed me the hidden value inside me, of the time I spent forgiving and taking care of my ex girlfriend, even though she repeatedly lied to me, broke my boundaries, and cheated on me– He called it Devotion.

After the breakup, I had told myself that I was weak for letting her use me like that. I was weak for letting myself become so responsible for her every mood, and even for her continued life, since she was suicidal. I lost my mental health, my courage, my values, and my sense of self as an individual…

Set gave me a perspective on my choices, and the underlying values I had, that framed my actions as a rare and valuable sort of devotion. He showed me it could be a gift and a strength, instead of a weakness.

(Though. I may still be cautious not to lose myself in someone else’s emotional ups and downs and betrayals again…)

So when I started having feelings for Loki as well as Set, I told them my worries: What if I can’t love them both at once? What if (my girlfriend was right?) I really was “just monogamous?” What if my heart wasn’t big enough to hold that kind of love for more than one person? What if my “devotion” only extends to one lover?

(Silly, for a polyamorous polytheist, right? Old hangups die hard.)

And, well, my heart did feel numb when I thought about it.

I thought it might be because of the goddess, N, and my connection to her heart– and all its recent shake-ups.

Then I thought it was that (for reasons I’m not going into) Loki was lying to me and using me for his own astrally-motivated purposes. Or sex. Or both…

It took several weeks to get through all the things that came up… In the meantime, I and my gods became exhausted of the whole thing.

Probably playing to my fears– Loki even took on a sort of dastardly, menacing role in these interactions… Which… Didn’t exactly make me trust him faster. He and Set even seemed at one point to be fighting over me– but it was apparently all an act to get me to respond emotionally to certain relationship concepts and possibilities… And make my own choices and work through my own fears.

Or maybe some of it was true, but most of it was exaggerated…

In any case, at some point last week, I went on my lunch break from work and sat outside, looking at the trees and the sky, and feeling the wind. Set and Loki sat beside me and said they both wanted a relationship with me.  And that it was fine.

I believe Loki’s exact words (in regards to the time they appeared to be fighting) “I’m tired of this game… We both want to be with you for the rest of your life,” and then in response to my fears that I would eventually have to choose between them, he said,  “You can’t wishbone yourself between two gods and see who gets the bigger half!”

That conversation went well… But then there was more fear.

The complicated parts of this that I’m not talking about left some reverberations of fear– and doubt of my own discernment– in my mind. So, even after this conversation, I had an interaction with them in which I was terrified of Loki again, and afraid he was trying to trick me and break me up with Set and … Lots of shame and self-blame and fear running my whole show, basically…

At this point, I had a sort of meltdown– astral screaming and overwhelmed, terrified shrieking, and… just. Very Autistic, and very BPD… but very unhelpful behavior.

After that, when I calmed down enough to do a reading with my cards, I asked what each god wanted.  Set said he wanted me to realize what I was doing… Loki told me to break up with him.

“Let me go, so I can heal my own wounds alone.”

As he left the astral space, I asked him, my inner-child-like vulnerability feeling the pain and fear of abandonment at the forefront, “Loki. Do you blame me [for everything that’s happened]?” Meaning deep down, Did he hate me…?

He sighed and looked back at me from the astral doorway.

“It’s…. A very complicated situation.”  And then he left.

For the rest of the evening, I felt relief.

I felt guilty that I felt relief, but that was most of what I felt– just deep, grateful relief.

I realized that the whole time, I had feared that if Loki really was being some sort of nasty abusive meany to me– maybe he would punish me and abuse me if I didn’t do what he wanted…  But he had accepted leaving with nothing but sad disappointment, and I wasn’t injured. I wasn’t threatened. I felt truly safe.

I walked to get Set an offering at the convenient store and I realized that I could live the rest of my life devoted to him– and loving him– and be happy. Be really and truly happy. I have no doubt of that.

And at some point, I would even pick polyamory up again and — without the fear of trickery– I would learn to love multiple people romantically…

But even so, I felt dissatisfied at the way things had been resolved.

As I got home, I saw the Lokean pagans and devotees on my tumblr and remembered all the good times Loki and I had had. And I just thought….

What if it didn’t have to be like this?

So, that night, I asked the Lokeans of tumbr to give him some love for me, and as I did I felt something in my heart shift– to forgiveness. To wanting him to be happy.

He appeared briefly, reservedly, to say, “Thank you.” I said he was welcome.

That was the moment that changed things and created the opportunity for us to recover from all this.

We made love one day shortly after, and I felt something healing even more.

Then, this whole weekend, I’ve been doing emotional processing in a roundabout way by binge-watching Once Upon A Time.

At various points, my friends or Set or Loki would check in on me.

Finally, Loki was sitting with me, taking a break from watching the show, and said,

“You know what this was about, don’t you?”

“Hm?” I asked.

“It was about devotion…. You thought, deep down, that despite everything you think and want to believe in– that faithfulness is giving devotion to only one person… But,”

And here, he took my hand, and gave me a mental remembrance of all the time I spent trying (miserably, hopelessly) to care for my then-girlfriend who didn’t even love me anymore, because I wanted her to be safe…

“Neither of us have ever doubted your faithfulness… Your ability to care. To sacrifice… To live what you truly believe in… But you don’t have to sacrifice your own happiness to be faithful. You can love us both– and it doesn’t diminish who you are and what you give to us.”

By the time he finished, I was bawling

Thank you, Loki.

 

— Robin

of The Heart Road

 

When Astral Shit Hits the Fan

I want to sort through some of my feelings here.

I’m having a really difficult time with my personal values and identity right now.

I really thought I would be writing about astral stuff here… But really what is the point, unless I’m trying to impress someone, or get them to sign off on my experiences?

And I’ve already talked to two knowledgeable people about the specifics, so… The worst of it is over and it’s really hard to want to dredge that stuff up again. Especially when it was so hard on my… AND my gods…

Things did not go prettily, and I am ashamed of myself for that. No matter how confused I was… I had so much fear and so much crap inside me, I didn’t even want to stop and think clearly.

In fact, some of this started because I didn’t want to think.

So I guess I am willing to talk about some of it. Because I guess I need to.

The goddess I’m connected to, or a “shard” of, or whatever, Nephthys… woke up out of my heart in some capacity after Wep Ronpet. Anubis had done something to repair? her heart? for me? for her? And then it was ready, I guess, and waiting for me to do something…

So I went swimming in a great, unconscious astral sea one day and went looking for the “secret” I had supposedly incarnated to find… And it was in the shape of a diamond wedding ring. The moment I touched it, I recoiled and had this sense that it was “cursed,” or at least highly unpleasant….

And then the solar eclipse happened. I watched the NASA livestream of it at the various total eclipse points… As the moon passed completely in front of the sun, then the first bits of light began to peek out from the side afterward– they called the phenomenon the “diamond ring.” I knew then I was in trouble. I didn’t know what energetic power this eclipse held, but I felt then it was charging something in relation to this astral wedding ring. By coincidence, because it was on my mind, or by some bizarre synchronicity– who knows.

But then, days later, I was astral-visioning, Nephthys came to consciousness in my astral home… I watched as if through her vision, or sometimes as if beside her– sometimes feeling as if I was making decisions and having feelings with her, and sometimes as if we were separate…

She took the diamond wedding ring out of her subconscious mind, wherever it was in storage, and put it under a microscope, so I could clearly see it was bound together with the words “free will.”

Then, she broke it. She released the bonds and it came apart.

Set was there next. He gave her back something precious of hers. And she told him she was alive again, now. He was glad.

They exchanged tender words I don’t want to repeat.

It was a loss of sorts, of a bond– but a bond that came at far too high a price. And I assume that she had paid it, as the bond was made with her literal “free will.” That was the secret she had figured out– that her free will was never sacrificed, and she could release the bond at any time, because it was HERS…

Now I gather they are free of this old or past-life bond. They are free to renegotiate what kind of relationships they want to have. One that doesn’t abuse either of them or come at the expense of either of their happiness or freedom or love.

After talking with Set for a while, Nephthys started cleaning her– which was my– astral home of old books, files, and memory stores… Throwing away and clearing out any old energies she didn’t want. At once point I, as my human self, asked her if she should keep any of those old memories– she said, “No,” and continued erasing them.

I was a little disappointed because I still don’t know any of the lifetimes or the memories she got rid of… But I gather from previous divinations I’ve had that this is all part of the plan for my (or her??) soul.  The plan is to erase and clear old “karmic” or soul energies, to progress onward into higher dimensions or w/e… (It also reminds me of the preparations for the scales of ma’at, where the heart should be the lightest possible…)

One of the things she erased was seemingly an old oath or a desire to kill Set… Which would explain the rage with which she attacked him when I first woke up in the astral as her… (That whole encounter is hilarious in hindsight, but it was frightening then.)

It’s been pretty obvious from my point of view that Set seems to have made a lot of progress in healing and moving on and growing, and … at least the parts that I contain of her, have been stuck in the past… “Dead,” at least metaphorically. Bogged down by pain or trauma. I don’t know if that’s true of all of her, though.

But this whole time he has been working with me at least in part to revive her.

I think it’s for a lot more than simply a sense of responsibility… He clearly had a lot of feelings for her. And she for him.

Old history, I guess.

But after she woke up, my life hasn’t gotten any simpler. Or more “enlightened…” In fact, she hasn’t really talked to me. And I can’t access her memories as far as I know. I think I’m actively not supposed to. Maybe it would explode my brain or something…

I just get vague hints and summaries of context sometimes– at best.

I gather that she’s staying up in her room most of the time, recharging. Maybe more cleaning. Maybe she has visitors sometimes. Idk. I feel like my astral home isn’t my home anymore, because every time I go up there, I have to share part of her brain and that’s weird… Like I’m just an unintegrated  tag-a-long.

She did come when I asked her to negotiate for me on behalf of things I didn’t understand that happened with Set and Loki… But that was a whole other thing…

Her personality is different than mine.

And sometimes I wonder if she … are we even like each other? Do we even like each other?

What does it matter, right? What can I do about it…

But because of that, I’m having an identity crisis…

I feel a little like a useless, disposable incubator of sorts for her heart…

But Set has said that he loves me– human me– so that helps.

….

On top of that, the thing that happened with Loki—

That’s what I don’t really want to talk about.

That’s what had me fucked up and sleeping for two and a half days straight, and losing my sense of self and my dignity and my sense of autonomy and my sense of hope and reality, for a bit..

That shit really fucking hurt.

I wonder how much of it was real and how much of it was a misunderstanding and how much of it was a game to him.

And I don’t know. He says he likes me. I like him. At least… I like parts of him…

But this thing that happened was really hard. It was really hard on everyone. Set did a lot of damage control to keep the shit mountain from erupting further… And he did a lot of it despite my ungratefulness. Despite my disregard for his feelings though a lot of it. Despite my complete stupidity…

I thought I had mostly forgiven Loki for his parts in it… but I still don’t truly trust him.

And I haven’t forgiven myself of mine.

It really sucks.

I want this to get better.

I don’t know. Maybe it will just take time.

Maybe my re-triggered trauma will prevent healing anytime soon.

I don’t know.

And right now I just look around me– at my past actions, at my behaviors, at my beliefs, at my sense of who I was, at my values, and I wonder if any of those things are true of who I want to be anymore.

Where do I go from here?

Loki told me this year that I am “halfway there” to the end of my life… Which means, if I interpreted correctly, that I guess I’ll die at 54 years old… So. Half my life? And what has it led me to?

I crushed my sense of faith in myself and my power to do anything, and in a god I think I might love regardless of whether it’s going to be good for me, and made a god I do love disappointed in me because I dragged him through shit and made him clean up the mess… and I’m not sure how my own heart even works.

And all this because I wanted sex and love with gods. And I wanted to be special. And I wanted to have some kind of special fucking purpose in life.

I feel like a failure.

I’m just not who I thought I could be.

I wasn’t honest with myself.

I’m honestly not sure I even know how to be.

 

 

–Robin,

of The Heart Road

 

 

Wep Ronpet, and An Update Since July:

Hello, everyone. I’ve not been writing much in long-form, because I’ve been distracted by tumblr, emotionally congested, and reacting to life things in real time.

A lot has happened since I last updated the blog. Partially, I had wanted to get through the end of a spiritual/life cycle and process all of it, before making a definitive post about it.  However, as more and more things continue to happen, I’ve come to realize that there is no definitive “end” to things, to tie them into neat little bows, no matter how much I want there to be.

So, I here are some things that have happened since I last wrote:

1. The Epagomenal Days and Wep Ronpet went well, all things considered. I spent each birthday with each of the specific gods, and watched a lot of Voltron. The tumblr posts I made about these days can be found here: (Epagomenal Days , Wep Ronpet ).

2. After reading some of Eddie (edderkopper.tumblr)’s 22 Day Spirit/God Spouse Challenge #22dssc writeups, and suddenly becoming inspired by the deep ocean for some astral…. stuff and ??? … A resolved past life issue and … More stuff?? ….  Nephthys (or… the part of her that I’m connected to? Soul structure is fuckin’ weird…) came back to life in my astral cognition? Or something? Which now means that she’s up in my astral home re-arranging stuff  and erasing some of my soul memories and baggage… because … We’re like… parts of the same person or something Idk. I’ll write about it more later.

3. I have written some responses to the #22dssc as well, but I will probably finish the rest of the responses on tumblr and then write a cumulative post here when I finish.

 

So that’s it for now!  Hope you enjoyed the update!  I know there’s not a lot of detail about the more dramatic things… I may make separate posts about them when I figure out how much I really want to share of the specifics.

 

-Robin

of The Heart Road

Don’t Forget That White People Are Responsible for Trump and the Nazis.

This is something that I originally wrote on Tumblr, in light of recent events in Charlottesville, but also not forgetting that the U.S. , and white people specifically, have been breeding the ideologies that have grown and produced the alt-right long before now:

There is no point white people can reach to be “not racist” in this society as it is. To think you have reached it is to allow yourself to be controlled unconsciously by your racist shadows. As white people, we need to face those shadows. And that starts with learning the history of the violence our ancestors have spread and how that violence has led to structures that we benefit from today and that continue to hurt people of color- Asian, Latinex, Indigenous people, Black people– and often conflates and contributes to religious oppression of Muslims and Jewish people…

And if you feel ashamed of the history– if you feel agitated and uncomfortable and guilty– SIT WITH IT. It does not mean you have to adopt some new belief that you are inherently bad. (In fact, that’s not useful and immobilizes you from moving forward to fight against racism.) It means you need to work on coping with shame and moving forward from it productively. And, believe me, I know that is hard fucking work, but it is necessary. And it is NOTHING compared to the internal work required of people of color daily for merely EXISTING in this racist society. So don’t get stuck in self-pity or shame and just DO THE FUCKING WORK, FEEL YOUR FEELINGS, DON’T MAKE THEM ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE, AND KEEP MOVING FORWARD UNTIL YOU ARE CAPABLE OF PRODUCTIVE ACTION.

Just because there are blatant and obvious Nazis parading around in Charlottesville does not absolve white people from working on ourselves. Black Lives Matter has been trying to wake people up for years– following a long and brave as fuck tradition of black-led activism that has spanned centuries. Indigenous community leaders have been trying to alert people to the struggles faced by indigenous people living in reservations… and more recently to the protection of sacred sites and access to CLEAN WATER itself.

This is the work we have to do to bring ourselves up to speed– out of privileged ignorance and into basic human decency. This is the cultural adulthood and loss of innocence that we have forced people of color to be strong enough to cope with, and it is long since time for us to grow the fuck up and help shoulder the burden that our ancestors and we, ourselves, have placed on people of color.

Dealing with our own internal work and sorting out all the bullshit is the first step to becoming able to LISTEN to people of color and respond in cooperation and empathy– to right the wrongs of the past, or at least ensure they stop happening today.

And though I am writing this, and these are my words, I take no credit for the ideas presented within– because like every other white person, I owe everything I know about racism to people of color– especially black and indigenous women, who have long since been asking us all to take our heads out of our asses.

— Robin

of The Heart Road

Depression and Doubt

[TW: depression, suicidal ideation, BPD stigma]

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[Image: Tarot cards Interference, Peace, and Prince of Wands reversed, from the Rosetta Tarot by M.M. Meleen. The cartouche card above them spells Set’s name in hieroglyphs: S-T-H, followed by the sha animal.]

I’ve been having horrible depression ever since the second week of the month. It’s worn me down– further than I’ve been since going on medication.  I’ve not been keeping up with my daily chores. I’ve been sleeping later and later again. Also, my suicidal ideation has come back.

Godphone has been less reliable, because my primary sense to verify what I’m “hearing” or “seeing” is my intuitive feeling sense– and that’s been all blocked up and numb because of the depression. My heart isn’t feeling the passion or the love right now that always reassures me that my intuitions are accurate.

It’s lead to some really difficult abandonment anxiety. I had a dream that Set broke up with me because I was “boring,” and I woke up with the fear that it was true….

–Despite asking for confirmation in the same dream and receiving three encouraging poster-sized letters saying he still loved me.

–Despite the realization that if the dream was real, then this whole time, and after everything he’s told me, he would have had to have been, not just an ass (which he is), but some unusual kind of cruel, callous, and lying bastard. Which, in my experience, is not the case.

–Despite him still being around, hugging me, cuddling me, saying he cares about me, and even being sexually intimate with me…

–Despite every piece of evidence that I’ve had that he still cares about me and this worry is just depression.

I STILL have been fretting about this for nearly a month, and thinking that the only reason he’s still hanging around is out of some kind of guilt because I must be “manipulating” him…. (Internalized BPD / C-PTSD stigma dies hard…)

But well…

He’s still here.

This evening, I was watching The Great British Baking Show, and came to the awareness of him sitting beside me on the couch.  He touched my back, and then said,

“Listen. If someone loves you, they love you even if you’re having a bad time…. And if I had dumped you for being boring, you would have deserved someone better anyway.”

I started to cry and laid my head on his lap.

So. I guess the point of this story is…

Sometimes it’s just depression.

 

–Robin

of the Heart Road

 

God Sex And Polyamory: Personal Realizations With Set

[TW: sex, god sex, relationship abuse mention, cheating, not explicit]

I’ve been in a sexual relationship with Set for a while now.  It started after a year and a half of healing from a toxic (human) relationship which heavily affected my feelings, ideas, and internal beliefs about sex…

When Set showed up (again, after a long break) with the most attractive energy I’d ever felt like DAMN, and said I should date him, I was like HELL YES, OKAY.

I had a lot of mental and emotional blocks at first, but I feel like I’m warming up to the idea that sex doesn’t always have to be difficult. Especially with him, I feel safer, more relaxed, more free to try things, learn and explore… To have fun. To love.

There’s still moments that I feel like there’s no way I could deserve a healthy and functional love or sexual life… In those moments I retreat back to my self-protections… But I do feel like I’m getting somewhere overall.

He’s a very sexual deity.  It helps me feel like sex is okay. Not shameful. Not always something that hurts or hurts others. Something that can be really fun, exciting, spontaneous–! Something you can share with others as an expression of who you are, interacting with them and learning who they are!

He’s even introduced me to other deities and people up there, in a sexual context. It’s… not what would have expected or asked for on my own, but… It’s been a step out of my comfort zone, and it’s been kind of nice!

Jealousy has cropped up occasionally, triggered by things that remind me of past abuse… (In the toxic human relationship I mentioned, my ex cheated on me within a polyamorous context.)  So, sometimes, knowing he’s the polyamorous, sexual person he is and I love him for… I wince sometimes when I feel that old heart injury acting up.  C-PTSD stirs and abandonment anxiety kicks in… “Is he going to leave me explicitly for someone else just like she did?” “Is he having better sex with someone else?” “Is the sex we have disappointing?” “Am I disappointing?” “Are my trauma triggers annoying?” “Is my insecurity annoying?” “Do I x, y, z enough to satisfy him…” Etc.

In all fairness, he has always responded in love and understanding. He’s listened and we’ve talked about it and we’ve worked through solutions…  I’ve even come to realize that reassurance isn’t always what I want, when I start to have those thoughts (and I certainly don’t want to change or restrict him…)– what I want is GREAT SEX, and a SATISFYING SEXUAL LIFE.  Jealousy then tells me that something is out of balance– and sometimes that thing is my own fear that I “can’t” or “won’t” ever have good sex without him.

One of the perspectives he’s brought me to/reminded me of– is that great sex doesn’t have to be attached or associated with just one person. I don’t have to look to him every time I want sex– even if we’re in some kind of relationship… He isn’t sex to me, he’s himself. And sex with him is sex with him. And that in itself makes it special– regardless of whoever else we have sex with, or how often.

So, again, when he’s brought other people, and when I’ve had sex with incorporeal beings without him around, sex with other individuals has been a really enlightening thing for me… As a clairsentient, feeling other deities’ and incorporeal people’s energies, and feeling the differences in dynamics between me with one person and me with another…

It gives me courage that maybe things like sex, connection, intimacy, and love can be found everywhere. That there’s as many different ways to love and have sex as there are people– and probably more!

It makes me think that sex and love are a lot easier than we sometimes make them out to be, if we open our hearts and step out of our own way.

 

–Robin

of The Heart Road

 


[P.S :  a conversation]

Me: “I hope you have all the sex you want! Great sex! Only the best sex! …Well, I mean if you want shitty sex, you can have that, too, I suppose. I mean, you and I both eat Cheetos, so you know I know the feel of just wanting something terrible (*he laughs at me*), so have bad sex if you want to, but also have great sex! Stupendous sex! ALL THE SEX!”

Set: “Hell yes.” *bumps fists with me, while smiling*

Me: “And I will try— !” *braces myself* “I– WILL TRY– TO HAVE THE GREAT SEX AS WELL.”

Set: *laughing, kisses my cheek* “I love you.”