A Small Hope

I want to set something down.

I want to place it where I won’t have to hold it, but I know I will be able to find it again if I need to…

———————————————————————————————————–

I was at a round, wooden table– Set to my right, Nephthys to my left…

Loki facing me.

Calm, and gentle with purpose, he was not frightening in that moment… Well. Maybe a little… My memory is a tenacious and unforgiving survivor, crafted by pain and betrayal long before any of this.

Holding my hand, Set’s grasp was firm, steady, and warm– a lifeline– reminding me I’m safe.

“I need you to make up with him,” he said.

I whined, feeling strained. I had tried to forgive him, and myself, before, and it has played out… wrong. Was this just a cycle repeating? Was I giving in to some kind of addiction, or toxic pattern I can’t let go of? Was I about to suffer another round of uninhibited indulgence, self-loathing, shame, vicious anger, fear, and then cutting contact again?

“He has done a lot for us.” It was a tender reminder, not a demand.

I met L’s eyes. I saw something there that opened my heart a little with hope– Was it sorrow, apology, some kind of opening of his own? A fear of losing something important that made him seem small for once? I saw no malice, deception, or ill-intent. Only a tired sort of honesty and a silent plea.

In my loosening apprehension, I let out a string of fears and concerns and feelings left over from things that have happened… I blustered them out like, if I kept talking, I could stir a wind around me, between us, so truth couldn’t escape or pass through the wall of air.

Finally, I asked, “How… How are you? How do you feel…?”

Having sat back a bit from the onslaught of words, he now met my gaze with a steely, determined challenge.

“Rancid.”

At first I thought it was a response.

And then I remembered a part of me I had forgotten– I had integrated into my internal Self months ago my feelings of rage, victim-hood, and vengeance that I had dissociated during trauma. I had named this part of me, “Rancid,” once, before re-integration.

“No,” I plead suddenly. “Please no. Not her– please–”

But it was too late. I felt this part of me projecting– separating– demanding to be heard and seen– stabbing at the table with knives to rip her way out of me.

Anger. Pure anger. Protective rage. Vengeance.

She lunged at him, and he caught her, held her tightly in his arms, and BIT HER. On her exposed left shoulder, right across the neck and collar bone– he BIT HER, with a startling “CRUNCH.”

She crumbled instantly and went limp, allowing L to hand her to Set.

“WHAT DID YOU DO?!?!” I screamed, in shock.

“Bit her,” Loki said nonchalantly. “She asked for it.”

“She’s just a child!!” I argued, “And you BIT her? Is she OKAY?!”

“Yes,” Set seemed to answer for him, setting her limp form on the table, in front of me.

“I freed her from that form,” L said, sitting back in his chair.

And, indeed, I felt something change about the part of me that I had known as “Rancid.”  I saw her limp body explode with light and crumble to dust, and a blue and wild mermaid appeared out of her. She had the Aquarius symbol tattooed on her left shoulder.

In seeing her, I felt as if the part of me I had known as “Rancid,” was actually somehow a manifestation of all the traits inside me that are related to the energy of my Aquarius North Node (the position in astrology that denotes a soul “purpose” or great lesson).  Someone who could forgive him– and myself– and move forward.

The vision ended there for the night.

——————————————————————————————————————

 

Today, I sat again at the same table with Set, Nephthys, and Loki.  I still held Set’s hand in mine, but this time turned to Nephthys.

“What do you think I should do?”

“Forgive him,” she said.

She took my hand in hers and led me to hold my own, palm open, to Loki. A small heart was resting in it, not beating.

“What is it?” I asked.

“A piece of meat,” he replied.

I said I didn’t understand, so he showed me a vision-within-a-vision of himself trading places with me at the table. He held the heart to my lips, as if I should open my mouth… I started to do so, but Set and Nephthys said “No.”

The vision-within-a-vision faded, and I was holding the heart to Loki again… I slowly raised it to his mouth, and he took it inside him, swallowing it down like in the film Howl’s Moving Castle, the boy Howl swallowing a falling star…. Then, actively mimicking the film so that I would understand what was happening, he coughed the heart back up again, holding his arms close to his chest, and it was beating– more alive somehow as he caught it in his hands.

He gave it back to me, pushing it into my chest, and I felt a warmth spread through me.


 

“I want one day a year. Visitation rights.”

“A visitation privilege?” I suggested, “IF I feel up to it and consent?”

Set seemed to remind me then to be nice, and that the suspicion was not necessary.

“Sure,” He seemed to reply, “But a day when you can think of me and focus on me…. like a birthday.”

I thought about it…. I had previously designated “Loki’s Birthday” to be celebrated September 7th, a few days after Spongecake Day (a playful Lokean holiday).

“You’re… not asking for a lot,” I said slowly.  “I would have thought you would ask for more.”

“I’m trying not to scare you,” he said, “After everything that’s happened.”

“That seems fair,” I whispered.

He took my left hand in his and gently kissed it.

And then he left.


 

I know that he’s still around. Sometimes I sense or see or feel him nearby, like he’s watching my life progress. It’s just that… Whenever I focus on him, I always seem to get swept up in something drastic and go overboard in one way, or another, or another…

So, I think that I need to spend my time and energy working toward my life goals, until I have a little more stability.

Then maybe… something will change.

 

–Robin

Of The Heart Road

Advertisements

Transgender Day of Remembrance, 2017

Today is November 20th, 2017: The Transgender Day of Remembrance.

Today, I cannot attend a vigil at my city hall to remember all of the murdered trans women, men, and nonbinary people in the last year.

So, I honor them in the following ways:

  1. I spread the link to the list of trans people who have died this year, the city and country they died in, and the cause of death. (Trigger warning: mention of murder, torture, assault, sexual assault, transmisogyny, transphobia, misgendering, slurs)
  2. I speak their names out loud to honor them. This way, I read every entry and saw that the majority of known fatal violence is leveled against Latinex and Black amab (assigned male at birth) trans women and people.
  3. I ask, and beg, for all cisgender people (people who identify as the same gender they were assigned at birth), to understand the extreme danger and violence that trans people– especially trans women and amab nonbinary people of color– face by simply living. Cisgender people can help end this violence by protecting trans people, understanding us, and standing up against transmisogyny and transphobia in their daily lives, politics, religious institutions, schools, medical facilities, and the media they consume.

 

Further Links:

“Transgender 101: A Guide to Gender and Identity to Help You Keep Up with the Conversation” By Everyday Feminism

“6 Ways Cis Folks Can Actually Help on Trans Day of Remembrance” (Warning: This video Auto-plays.)

“Lexie Cannes Talks About Staying Alive” (Warning: This Video Auto-Plays.)

Please consider supporting The Transgender Lifeline, the hotline that focuses on the needs of trans people, including supporting trans safety and suicide prevention.

 

******

If you are transgender, and you are in any way feeling suicidal, or feeling like self-harming, please, please, contact the Trans Lifeline and stay safe!

–Robin,

Of The Heart Road

 

To KO or not to KO? : Consortship, Structure, Community, and Soul Components

I’ve been thinking of signing up for the Kemetic Orthodoxy beginner course…

A few months ago, Set told me not to sign up for it then, when I first got interested.  I think it’s because I was newer to my thing with him, romantically,  and we hadn’t finished some stuff we were working through yet. A month or more later, I also found out that KO doesn’t encourage god-consortship– in the, “If that’s a thing you do, you shouldn’t do it here,” sense.

And I think he would be okay with it now…  But it sucks, because I intend to stay in a consort relationship with Set… AND I want more grounding, spiritual structure and community organization my practice right now– And I see KO and think, Maybe that’s a thing that I could do… Maybe I could find meaning in learning what they have to teach… Using the forums… Talking with others…

And I’m not gonna lie, the RPD (Rite of Parent Divination) REALLY catches my eye…. I’d like to have my theory supported, honestly as to who my “parents” and “beloveds” are, but since I don’t really think the terms are an exact equivalent to human terms, I suspect/worry/hope that Set and Nebet-Het would appear as my “parents.”  … Which could suddenly make the term “parent” very awkward with regards to Set… As a consort… So yeah. And that’s why I wouldn’t really use that term– but it would be cool to maybe get it confirmed that Set and Nebet-Het are my…. “Very Important, Primary Deities,” who gave birth to my human existence– and whose soul energies and love, run through me like soul-DNA, and lay the foundation structure of who I am able to become.

That also begs the question, for me, of… can you suspect you are a shard of a deity– or contain shards of that deity and take a KO class or, if allowed, take the RPD…

Because I have a lot of UPG evidence and astral shenanigans that suggest I have a really large shard of Nebet-Het inside me, and also a (smaller) shard of Set… It seems to have something to do with healing HER and healing their relationship… And healing me in order to accomplish those things?? SO like… a vessel for healing who is also… a part of the actual… deities…. It’s weird.

(Basically *Smush deities’ ouchy energy together into a being, send being to earth to cry and hurt and heal for some-odd years… reap rewards later! Yay! *)

So, I feel kinda conflicted and bummed.  As a queer person, as a nonbinary trans person, a traumatized person, and an Autistic person, I’m no stranger to being a horrible outsider cockroach, seemingly ruining everyone else’s good time by merely demanding the right to exist… And I’m bitter about that… However, I’m also a white person, and there’s a long history of white people demanding access to things that we actually have no right to, and then demanding that everything be changed to fit our European-based cultural values and demands, and ruining everything for everyone else when it was originally theirs and we just fucking took it because we’re assholes who resort to genocide when we have a tantrum… *deep breath*

And I know that neither of these situations is the actual same exact thing, but both are mulling around in my head while I’m like, “……………Do I even have a right to ask to take a beginner class? When I’m already breaking their rules…… ? Is it ethically necessary that I tell them that I’m a consort before asking to take the class or RPD? Or is it better to just never talk about it and not make it a thing, and feel kinda lonely and keep my guard up and always know that deep down, I am an outsider and not welcome and maybe shouldn’t even go here? Or that I’m only welcome with the caveat that I don’t tell anyone my dearest, vulnerable way that I love Set?”

So….. Shit. I don’t have an answer.

I guess it boils down to : How much wiggle room is there? How much do I have to obey the rules to test my foot in the waters, and if I end up getting far enough to take the RPD, is it going to be bad, bad vibes and not cool if I decide to back out and not do KO?  Or stay in KO because I like it and still be a god consort?

….

:/

Robin

–Of The Heart Road

My Tarot Journal

I absolutely LOVE the Ma’at Tarot. Love LOVE it. Want it. Etc.

Right now this is the only tarot app I have on my phone because it’s just SO PERFECT.

I used to do tarot journaling on my Instagram, but since I’ve shifted away from using Instagram as my major social media platform for the time being, I’ve needed a place to write down my tarot journals.

So, I created the Heart Road Tarot tumblr! Here is where I’ll be posting some of my better  tarot journal entries, my favorite spreads found on the internet, any passing insights or responses to others’ public readings, and maybe some of my own public readings.

This blog isn’t meant to be a functional store to purchase readings yet, but I hope by collecting my journal entries, I can direct future customers, or other interested parties, to a place they can get a taste of my reading style.

Otherwise, it’s feel free to enjoy it!

Tarot Journal: 9/29/2017

About My Astral Soul Makeup, Who I Am, and Why I’m Here.

 

 

Tarot Journal: 10/2/2017

About My Decision About What’s Best For Me and What I Want

 

Sincerely,

Robin,

Of The Heart Road

An Amazing Discovery

The last couple of days, I have felt like an adult.

Not just having the responsibilities of one, but having the autonomy and the ability to create the life in which I can be happy.

I’m not any “better off” financially, nor have my responsibilities changed, nor am I all free of cares or the necessity of having a job– 

But I FEEL like an adult. Like the good parts that the younger me imagined I could have as an adult.

I feel like I can be my best self while I’m alive, and that I can really get to a place inside myself and out where I feel happy, and free, and proud of myself.

Instead of being a pipe dream, or an escape, I feel like it is a tangible and existing thing in my chest.

It’s really amazing.
–Robin

Of The Heart Road

Brain-Dumping About Deity Abuse

The deity abuse thing– I feel like I’m doing more coping than healing or resolving anything. Part of me doesn’t want to go back and re-analyze and relive the events that happened and the confusion therein to process it all– which is the same as what happened when I was abused in a human relationship. When the heart and mind are overwhelmed, the instinct is to numb– so that’s what I’ve been doing…

Being numb and bitter.

I haven’t even been talking to Set all that much, because I am really confused what part he has played in the whole thing.  Half the time, I was convinced he was telling me to leave the situation, and at other times, I thought he was supporting it and telling me to keep going at it…

And I regret trying so hard to please them both so much, even about different things at the same time, that I ended up losing my center again.

And maybe that was part of this– that I just didn’t know who the fuck I was, what I was about, or what I was doing, so I was essentially just farting around until some bullshit happened I didn’t know how I’d gotten myself into.

And the fallout of this has led me to seek a new anchor– because It’s painfully clear to me now that I cannot base my spiritual practice, or my life around wanting someone to love me.  Not him, not Set, not the Netjeru, not humans, not anyone.

So now I feel like focusing on ma’at– what had first inspired me to explore Kemeticism.

Ma’at, to me, is balance, harmony, cosmic order, social justice, righteousness, and sustainable right action that supports the life of the Netjeru and humans. Ma’at is taking care of yourself for the sake of your future, even if you don’t feel like doing it now. Ma’at is doing the right thing even if it’s hard Ma’at is knowing your limits of when to stop, rest, reconsider, or regroup. Ma’at is living in service of the present and the future you want to create.

So that’s what I’ve been doing– I’ve been taking care of myself and my future: washing dishes, taking the trash out, giving my cat his medicine, taking a shower, making long-term plans for my personal development, resisting the urge to self-destruct and start over, as I have done many times before, talking with my friends and reminding myself what good people I love and surround myself with, reading about sustainable living, and of course, a little bit of nothing at all, like watching Netflix just to rest, etc.

A part of me wonders if the whole thing– mistreatment by a deity– was intended to push me toward ma’at and my personal grounding in it, or if it was just happenstance.  Gods playing games and the pieces falling where they may… No matter how many pieces the movable pieces are in themselves by the end of it.

If it was all a game or a gamble, the trickster in any case– probably would have accepted either outcome. After all, he had nothing to lose, did he?

But is that true?  I guess it’s only true if he was in it for the game from the beginning– If he was lying to me the whole time. Even as friends. If the friendship before the catastrophe was never real– if he was manipulating me the entire time.

But in any case, whatever it was to him, it feels like a loss to me.  Because I thought it was real.

I guess that’s the way things are.

I wish I could tie this up into a neat little bow of understanding, and “Omg, I GET it now, and it’s all been worth it!” but I don’t know how.

Transcententthrone did a small reading for me in the middle of the bullshit storm that was addressed to the trickster, asking him just what the hell, man?? And the response message was a really cold “Endurance.”

It left me feeling flat and unimpressed with the deity’s callous brush-off.

Now, weeks later, I ordered Chinese food yesterday, which came with a fortune cookie. The paper inside read, “Heroism is enduring for a moment longer.”

Enduring what?? Enduring FOR WHAT?? Gods darn it I wish gods made any sense at all.

Endure what for what?

Endure abuse for attention?

Endure abuse and heartache for strength?

Then godphone kicks in and says, “Endure not knowing for your ultimate satisfaction.”

 

-Robin

Of The Heart Road

Devotion

Loki and I talked. He helped me realize what this was all about, between him and me.

Even though I have said I am polyamorous from the very beginning, with Set… And even though I have always planned on loving more than just one person– god or no… And even though sex with other gods and entities has always been on the table as a possibility (and active practice)…

I was afraid that loving more than one person romantically at the same time would diminish my love for one or both of them.

I also thought for a bit that Loki was trying to trick me or use me– but that seems in hindsight to have been just a scared diversion from my real fears and feelings.

I was afraid to love him.

And damn it, he knew it before I did. And him trying to tell me scared me even more.

Not long ago, Set showed me the hidden value inside me, of the time I spent forgiving and taking care of my ex girlfriend, even though she repeatedly lied to me, broke my boundaries, and cheated on me– He called it Devotion.

After the breakup, I had told myself that I was weak for letting her use me like that. I was weak for letting myself become so responsible for her every mood, and even for her continued life, since she was suicidal. I lost my mental health, my courage, my values, and my sense of self as an individual…

Set gave me a perspective on my choices, and the underlying values I had, that framed my actions as a rare and valuable sort of devotion. He showed me it could be a gift and a strength, instead of a weakness.

(Though. I may still be cautious not to lose myself in someone else’s emotional ups and downs and betrayals again…)

So when I started having feelings for Loki as well as Set, I told them my worries: What if I can’t love them both at once? What if (my girlfriend was right?) I really was “just monogamous?” What if my heart wasn’t big enough to hold that kind of love for more than one person? What if my “devotion” only extends to one lover?

(Silly, for a polyamorous polytheist, right? Old hangups die hard.)

And, well, my heart did feel numb when I thought about it.

I thought it might be because of the goddess, N, and my connection to her heart– and all its recent shake-ups.

Then I thought it was that (for reasons I’m not going into) Loki was lying to me and using me for his own astrally-motivated purposes. Or sex. Or both…

It took several weeks to get through all the things that came up… In the meantime, I and my gods became exhausted of the whole thing.

Probably playing to my fears– Loki even took on a sort of dastardly, menacing role in these interactions… Which… Didn’t exactly make me trust him faster. He and Set even seemed at one point to be fighting over me– but it was apparently all an act to get me to respond emotionally to certain relationship concepts and possibilities… And make my own choices and work through my own fears.

Or maybe some of it was true, but most of it was exaggerated…

In any case, at some point last week, I went on my lunch break from work and sat outside, looking at the trees and the sky, and feeling the wind. Set and Loki sat beside me and said they both wanted a relationship with me.  And that it was fine.

I believe Loki’s exact words (in regards to the time they appeared to be fighting) “I’m tired of this game… We both want to be with you for the rest of your life,” and then in response to my fears that I would eventually have to choose between them, he said,  “You can’t wishbone yourself between two gods and see who gets the bigger half!”

That conversation went well… But then there was more fear.

The complicated parts of this that I’m not talking about left some reverberations of fear– and doubt of my own discernment– in my mind. So, even after this conversation, I had an interaction with them in which I was terrified of Loki again, and afraid he was trying to trick me and break me up with Set and … Lots of shame and self-blame and fear running my whole show, basically…

At this point, I had a sort of meltdown– astral screaming and overwhelmed, terrified shrieking, and… just. Very Autistic, and very BPD… but very unhelpful behavior.

After that, when I calmed down enough to do a reading with my cards, I asked what each god wanted.  Set said he wanted me to realize what I was doing… Loki told me to break up with him.

“Let me go, so I can heal my own wounds alone.”

As he left the astral space, I asked him, my inner-child-like vulnerability feeling the pain and fear of abandonment at the forefront, “Loki. Do you blame me [for everything that’s happened]?” Meaning deep down, Did he hate me…?

He sighed and looked back at me from the astral doorway.

“It’s…. A very complicated situation.”  And then he left.

For the rest of the evening, I felt relief.

I felt guilty that I felt relief, but that was most of what I felt– just deep, grateful relief.

I realized that the whole time, I had feared that if Loki really was being some sort of nasty abusive meany to me– maybe he would punish me and abuse me if I didn’t do what he wanted…  But he had accepted leaving with nothing but sad disappointment, and I wasn’t injured. I wasn’t threatened. I felt truly safe.

I walked to get Set an offering at the convenient store and I realized that I could live the rest of my life devoted to him– and loving him– and be happy. Be really and truly happy. I have no doubt of that.

And at some point, I would even pick polyamory up again and — without the fear of trickery– I would learn to love multiple people romantically…

But even so, I felt dissatisfied at the way things had been resolved.

As I got home, I saw the Lokean pagans and devotees on my tumblr and remembered all the good times Loki and I had had. And I just thought….

What if it didn’t have to be like this?

So, that night, I asked the Lokeans of tumbr to give him some love for me, and as I did I felt something in my heart shift– to forgiveness. To wanting him to be happy.

He appeared briefly, reservedly, to say, “Thank you.” I said he was welcome.

That was the moment that changed things and created the opportunity for us to recover from all this.

We made love one day shortly after, and I felt something healing even more.

Then, this whole weekend, I’ve been doing emotional processing in a roundabout way by binge-watching Once Upon A Time.

At various points, my friends or Set or Loki would check in on me.

Finally, Loki was sitting with me, taking a break from watching the show, and said,

“You know what this was about, don’t you?”

“Hm?” I asked.

“It was about devotion…. You thought, deep down, that despite everything you think and want to believe in– that faithfulness is giving devotion to only one person… But,”

And here, he took my hand, and gave me a mental remembrance of all the time I spent trying (miserably, hopelessly) to care for my then-girlfriend who didn’t even love me anymore, because I wanted her to be safe…

“Neither of us have ever doubted your faithfulness… Your ability to care. To sacrifice… To live what you truly believe in… But you don’t have to sacrifice your own happiness to be faithful. You can love us both– and it doesn’t diminish who you are and what you give to us.”

By the time he finished, I was bawling

Thank you, Loki.

 

— Robin

of The Heart Road