Reply to “Tips on Discerning When an Entity Has Romantic or Sexual Feelings for you” by Ymirshvolpur

Here’s my response to Ymirshvolpur’s post, and how I started dating Set and Loki.

Music and Dashomancy are really big “passive” divination sources for me…

But as for specifics… Set appeared immediately after I told myself I was ready to start dating again. Like. IMMEDIATELY, as if he was listening to my thoughts for the right moment to appear in my life again… Sidled right up to me, within energy-sensing range, and whispered, “I can help with that,” into my ear… Then every time I asked him what his intentions were, or how he felt about me, I would get either Two of Cups, The Lovers (Tarot), or images and signs of marriage. Also, he was extremely flirty, playful, and openly sexual. Not to mention his energy felt magnetic and BLAZING and amazing!

With Loki, it was far more difficult to tell…. First I thought we were just friends…. Then one day, I “heard” him tease me, saying, “You know, you’re really godspouse material!” I laughed it off and ignored it, because sometimes he’s full of shit and because I thought he was just messing with me. And I was especially determined NOT to be another smitten consort of Loki (lolololol, that’s going so well……)

Well, Set invited him along in a sexual encounter after I had been fantasizing about him a little too much THAT WAY…. And I was embarrassed, and at first Set was trying to introduce him as a “mysterious stranger” for our threesome, and I was finally like, “…….You’re Loki, aren’t you? I can sense you through that disguise. Come on, I know it’s you…” So, sheepishly, we all admitted this was a thing we wanted. I thought it was just going to be sexual after that, but no….

But then one night I found him waiting for me outside of work, by my car (in the energy-sensing way), beside four (physical) empty bottles of vodka and a pile of barf, while the song, “I’m Gonna Rock and Roll All Night…” played in my head…. I sensed him still around as I drove home. Tthe radio played some really …. bizarre songs… including “Magic Man,” by Heart– then ended as I got home, with the song, “Hey Jealousy.” The singer asks to seek comfort with an old flame that has moved on, but he hasn’t. Based on lyrical cues, I finally got the message of, “….. Wait….. Are you in love with me?” And he was like, “Yeah, and you are with me— don’t give me that shit! You know I’m right! Stop pretending!!” Next thing I knew, he was astral-kissing me, and ready to get nekkid, and I had to remind him he was drunk and that wouldn’t be cool of me…. But then, yeah, the secret was out.

Where Jotnar Tread

(as requested by a friend on tumblr)

Godspousery/ being a non corporeal consort is one of the more hotly contested topics within the greater polytheist community. Most prominently the argument is over whether it’s fundamentally possible for a god to love a human. As someone who is married to one jötun, mated to another, and committed though not formally bonded in such a way to a third, I’m obviously in the camp that it’s quite possible. That said, even if one believes it’s possible, it’s often still incredibly hard to wrap one’s head around the idea of a deity actually loving them or even just wanting to bang. This causes people to ignore and therefore miss signs that a deity is sending on this topic. I know I’m incredibly guilty of this myself. (After all, I was oblivious to Angrboða’s attempts to get my attention for a month until I cracked a…

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Journey Through Journaling: Week 1, Part 1.

I’ve signed up for Blessing Manifesting’s “Journey Through Journaling” e-course. I’ll be sharing some of my journal entries here, on WordPress over the next few weeks. It’s organized as one prompt per day, with two bonus prompts at the end of every week. Each prompt comes with a series of clarifying and elaborating questions to get you thinking, however in general, I will only be sharing the overall subject of the prompt, unless one of the questions is especially relevant to my response.

Childhood

“What do you wish you had experienced? What do you with you hadn’t?”

I mean, to name that, all of society would have to be different. I was thinking a few days ago that the nuclear family is a symptom of societal disease– of racist, classist, ableist heteropatriarchy– and how the raising of children should really happen in larger care-groups and allowed in more work and social spaces. And for that to happen, we, as a society and culture, would have to be more care-driven and focused on larger spiritual, love-and-growth-driven harmony, rather than personal “survival of the fittest” that encourages us/them xenophobia and the greed of capitalistic profit at the expense of others.

So, for my childhood to have been different in a compelling and fulfilling way– what I’m actually envisioning is a completely different world.

Purpose

And I guess that leads to purpose. Part of the purpose I assign my life is creating this new world like the one I envision.

If I could change the world for the better, I would create things that help and inspire people. I would be a listener and a care-giver. I would be an artist and a protector. I would be someone who combines understanding and compassion with direct and consistent action, according to my values.

I am especially interested in trauma, healing, and what Kelly-Ann Maddox calls “post-traumatic growth.”  I frame this interest as related to my patron deities (the deities I think of as being “housed in” me), Nephthys and Set. The themes and lessons of Set’s mythology, and his strengths as a god of chaos, remind me that breaking down in catastrophic (i.e. traumatic) ways leaves way for new growth from a healthier starting point…. Nephthys, as a goddess of mourning, death, and rebirth, and in my personal UPG, as a goddess of the unconscious mind and (especially traumatic) memory and psychological healing– inspires me to dig deep and uncover the power to transform myself after hardship.

So, if I were to dedicate my life to one particular kind of helping work– it would probably have something to do with this.  However, I don’t think that it’s necessary to help the world in only one way– especially in a way that is extremely psychologically and emotionally taxing on an individual… (Anyone who thinks care-work isn’t work hasn’t done it consistently.) I think it’s far more reasonable to say that trauma healing is one of my particular interests, skill sets, and leanings– however, I intend to benefit the world in other methods, such as creating joy and by simply allowing myself to live well, as a worthwhile person.

Shame

Shame has been a core, founding personality trait of mine since before I remember. My first memory is actually of someone shouting angrily at me when I was three years old, and the resulting shame and feeling on a deep, inner level, that I was “bad.”  The times when I’ve felt the most shame in my life were actually based in circumstances I couldn’t– or aspects of myself I shouldn’t– change. To a child especially, this can be devastating to their sense of belonging in a world that will nourish and support them.  An overall sense of wellness– or at least hope of wellness– in the world is necessary for achieving personal fulfillment and integrating into larger social systems that benefit humanity. (I mean this in a sociological, or pantheistic sense, rather than an individual introvert-extrovert sense.)  This shame and feelings of loneliness, displacement, and fear can haunt a child long into adulthood. This was certainly the case for me.

Having shame as a core, founding emotional experience gave me a lot of pain, anxiety, and insecurity through most of my life.  However, it also gave me compassion, insight, clarity into why others act the way they do, patience for others, and a driving passion to protect the weak and hurting. I have been able to understand others who have shame as a core founding part of their personalities– and help nudge them in the directions that I, myself, found healing and recovery.

I once asked a friend (who struggles with shame and anxiety like I do), “What is the use of shame, anyway?” I was trying to brush off my pain of the moment.

My friend pushed back against my flippancy, out of reflex, and said, “Oh no, but shame helps keep people in line!  It helps keep people accountable to the larger social group!”  Maybe that’s true of guilt– I think guilt does that, but not shame.

Shame researcher, Brene Brown , author of “I Thought It Was Just Me,” “The Gifts of Imperfection,” and others… defined guilt as the temporary state of recognizing that something you have done is wrong… whereas shame is the prolonged and internalized state of believing yourself to be inherently wrong– that wrongness is a part of your being.  In other words, guild is, “I have done something bad,” whereas shame is, “I am bad.”

And, honestly, because there are better ways of developing compassion and concern for others– I can’t think of a single benefit to shame other than individual self-protection against an un-supportive, unstable, and probably abusive environment… In the larger social group, it does keep people “in line,” as my friend put it– but only in the sense of coercion and self-monitoring– to discourage people from daring to desire more and better from their lives. In terms of societal development, this means stifling imagination, risk-taking, creative curiosity, and ultimately technological, emotional, and psychological development.

That self-protection can be necessary in times of extreme pain and trauma. It’s the natural defense mechanism of the brain… But it is not morally necessary, nor helpful in the long-term for individuals or society.

–Robin

Of the Heart Road

A Small Hope

I want to set something down.

I want to place it where I won’t have to hold it, but I know I will be able to find it again if I need to…

———————————————————————————————————–

I was at a round, wooden table– Set to my right, Nephthys to my left…

Loki facing me.

Calm, and gentle with purpose, he was not frightening in that moment… Well. Maybe a little… My memory is a tenacious and unforgiving survivor, crafted by pain and betrayal long before any of this.

Holding my hand, Set’s grasp was firm, steady, and warm– a lifeline– reminding me I’m safe.

“I need you to make up with him,” he said.

I whined, feeling strained. I had tried to forgive him, and myself, before, and it has played out… wrong. Was this just a cycle repeating? Was I giving in to some kind of addiction, or toxic pattern I can’t let go of? Was I about to suffer another round of uninhibited indulgence, self-loathing, shame, vicious anger, fear, and then cutting contact again?

“He has done a lot for us.” It was a tender reminder, not a demand.

I met L’s eyes. I saw something there that opened my heart a little with hope– Was it sorrow, apology, some kind of opening of his own? A fear of losing something important that made him seem small for once? I saw no malice, deception, or ill-intent. Only a tired sort of honesty and a silent plea.

In my loosening apprehension, I let out a string of fears and concerns and feelings left over from things that have happened… I blustered them out like, if I kept talking, I could stir a wind around me, between us, so truth couldn’t escape or pass through the wall of air.

Finally, I asked, “How… How are you? How do you feel…?”

Having sat back a bit from the onslaught of words, he now met my gaze with a steely, determined challenge.

“Rancid.”

At first I thought it was a response.

And then I remembered a part of me I had forgotten– I had integrated into my internal Self months ago my feelings of rage, victim-hood, and vengeance that I had dissociated during trauma. I had named this part of me, “Rancid,” once, before re-integration.

“No,” I plead suddenly. “Please no. Not her– please–”

But it was too late. I felt this part of me projecting– separating– demanding to be heard and seen– stabbing at the table with knives to rip her way out of me.

Anger. Pure anger. Protective rage. Vengeance.

She lunged at him, and he caught her, held her tightly in his arms, and BIT HER. On her exposed left shoulder, right across the neck and collar bone– he BIT HER, with a startling “CRUNCH.”

She crumbled instantly and went limp, allowing L to hand her to Set.

“WHAT DID YOU DO?!?!” I screamed, in shock.

“Bit her,” Loki said nonchalantly. “She asked for it.”

“She’s just a child!!” I argued, “And you BIT her? Is she OKAY?!”

“Yes,” Set seemed to answer for him, setting her limp form on the table, in front of me.

“I freed her from that form,” L said, sitting back in his chair.

And, indeed, I felt something change about the part of me that I had known as “Rancid.”  I saw her limp body explode with light and crumble to dust, and a blue and wild mermaid appeared out of her. She had the Aquarius symbol tattooed on her left shoulder.

In seeing her, I felt as if the part of me I had known as “Rancid,” was actually somehow a manifestation of all the traits inside me that are related to the energy of my Aquarius North Node (the position in astrology that denotes a soul “purpose” or great lesson).  Someone who could forgive him– and myself– and move forward.

The vision ended there for the night.

——————————————————————————————————————

 

Today, I sat again at the same table with Set, Nephthys, and Loki.  I still held Set’s hand in mine, but this time turned to Nephthys.

“What do you think I should do?”

“Forgive him,” she said.

She took my hand in hers and led me to hold my own, palm open, to Loki. A small heart was resting in it, not beating.

“What is it?” I asked.

“A piece of meat,” he replied.

I said I didn’t understand, so he showed me a vision-within-a-vision of himself trading places with me at the table. He held the heart to my lips, as if I should open my mouth… I started to do so, but Set and Nephthys said “No.”

The vision-within-a-vision faded, and I was holding the heart to Loki again… I slowly raised it to his mouth, and he took it inside him, swallowing it down like in the film Howl’s Moving Castle, the boy Howl swallowing a falling star…. Then, actively mimicking the film so that I would understand what was happening, he coughed the heart back up again, holding his arms close to his chest, and it was beating– more alive somehow as he caught it in his hands.

He gave it back to me, pushing it into my chest, and I felt a warmth spread through me.


 

“I want one day a year. Visitation rights.”

“A visitation privilege?” I suggested, “IF I feel up to it and consent?”

Set seemed to remind me then to be nice, and that the suspicion was not necessary.

“Sure,” He seemed to reply, “But a day when you can think of me and focus on me…. like a birthday.”

I thought about it…. I had previously designated “Loki’s Birthday” to be celebrated September 7th, a few days after Spongecake Day (a playful Lokean holiday).

“You’re… not asking for a lot,” I said slowly.  “I would have thought you would ask for more.”

“I’m trying not to scare you,” he said, “After everything that’s happened.”

“That seems fair,” I whispered.

He took my left hand in his and gently kissed it.

And then he left.


 

I know that he’s still around. Sometimes I sense or see or feel him nearby, like he’s watching my life progress. It’s just that… Whenever I focus on him, I always seem to get swept up in something drastic and go overboard in one way, or another, or another…

So, I think that I need to spend my time and energy working toward my life goals, until I have a little more stability.

Then maybe… something will change.

 

–Robin

Of The Heart Road

Transgender Day of Remembrance, 2017

Today is November 20th, 2017: The Transgender Day of Remembrance.

Today, I cannot attend a vigil at my city hall to remember all of the murdered trans women, men, and nonbinary people in the last year.

So, I honor them in the following ways:

  1. I spread the link to the list of trans people who have died this year, the city and country they died in, and the cause of death. (Trigger warning: mention of murder, torture, assault, sexual assault, transmisogyny, transphobia, misgendering, slurs)
  2. I speak their names out loud to honor them. This way, I read every entry and saw that the majority of known fatal violence is leveled against Latinex and Black amab (assigned male at birth) trans women and people.
  3. I ask, and beg, for all cisgender people (people who identify as the same gender they were assigned at birth), to understand the extreme danger and violence that trans people– especially trans women and amab nonbinary people of color– face by simply living. Cisgender people can help end this violence by protecting trans people, understanding us, and standing up against transmisogyny and transphobia in their daily lives, politics, religious institutions, schools, medical facilities, and the media they consume.

 

Further Links:

“Transgender 101: A Guide to Gender and Identity to Help You Keep Up with the Conversation” By Everyday Feminism

“6 Ways Cis Folks Can Actually Help on Trans Day of Remembrance” (Warning: This video Auto-plays.)

“Lexie Cannes Talks About Staying Alive” (Warning: This Video Auto-Plays.)

Please consider supporting The Transgender Lifeline, the hotline that focuses on the needs of trans people, including supporting trans safety and suicide prevention.

 

******

If you are transgender, and you are in any way feeling suicidal, or feeling like self-harming, please, please, contact the Trans Lifeline and stay safe!

–Robin,

Of The Heart Road

 

To KO or not to KO? : Consortship, Structure, Community, and Soul Components

I’ve been thinking of signing up for the Kemetic Orthodoxy beginner course…

A few months ago, Set told me not to sign up for it then, when I first got interested.  I think it’s because I was newer to my thing with him, romantically,  and we hadn’t finished some stuff we were working through yet. A month or more later, I also found out that KO doesn’t encourage god-consortship– in the, “If that’s a thing you do, you shouldn’t do it here,” sense.

And I think he would be okay with it now…  But it sucks, because I intend to stay in a consort relationship with Set… AND I want more grounding, spiritual structure and community organization my practice right now– And I see KO and think, Maybe that’s a thing that I could do… Maybe I could find meaning in learning what they have to teach… Using the forums… Talking with others…

And I’m not gonna lie, the RPD (Rite of Parent Divination) REALLY catches my eye…. I’d like to have my theory supported, honestly as to who my “parents” and “beloveds” are, but since I don’t really think the terms are an exact equivalent to human terms, I suspect/worry/hope that Set and Nebet-Het would appear as my “parents.”  … Which could suddenly make the term “parent” very awkward with regards to Set… As a consort… So yeah. And that’s why I wouldn’t really use that term– but it would be cool to maybe get it confirmed that Set and Nebet-Het are my…. “Very Important, Primary Deities,” who gave birth to my human existence– and whose soul energies and love, run through me like soul-DNA, and lay the foundation structure of who I am able to become.

That also begs the question, for me, of… can you suspect you are a shard of a deity– or contain shards of that deity and take a KO class or, if allowed, take the RPD…

Because I have a lot of UPG evidence and astral shenanigans that suggest I have a really large shard of Nebet-Het inside me, and also a (smaller) shard of Set… It seems to have something to do with healing HER and healing their relationship… And healing me in order to accomplish those things?? SO like… a vessel for healing who is also… a part of the actual… deities…. It’s weird.

(Basically *Smush deities’ ouchy energy together into a being, send being to earth to cry and hurt and heal for some-odd years… reap rewards later! Yay! *)

So, I feel kinda conflicted and bummed.  As a queer person, as a nonbinary trans person, a traumatized person, and an Autistic person, I’m no stranger to being a horrible outsider cockroach, seemingly ruining everyone else’s good time by merely demanding the right to exist… And I’m bitter about that… However, I’m also a white person, and there’s a long history of white people demanding access to things that we actually have no right to, and then demanding that everything be changed to fit our European-based cultural values and demands, and ruining everything for everyone else when it was originally theirs and we just fucking took it because we’re assholes who resort to genocide when we have a tantrum… *deep breath*

And I know that neither of these situations is the actual same exact thing, but both are mulling around in my head while I’m like, “……………Do I even have a right to ask to take a beginner class? When I’m already breaking their rules…… ? Is it ethically necessary that I tell them that I’m a consort before asking to take the class or RPD? Or is it better to just never talk about it and not make it a thing, and feel kinda lonely and keep my guard up and always know that deep down, I am an outsider and not welcome and maybe shouldn’t even go here? Or that I’m only welcome with the caveat that I don’t tell anyone my dearest, vulnerable way that I love Set?”

So….. Shit. I don’t have an answer.

I guess it boils down to : How much wiggle room is there? How much do I have to obey the rules to test my foot in the waters, and if I end up getting far enough to take the RPD, is it going to be bad, bad vibes and not cool if I decide to back out and not do KO?  Or stay in KO because I like it and still be a god consort?

….

:/

Robin

–Of The Heart Road

My Tarot Journal

I absolutely LOVE the Ma’at Tarot. Love LOVE it. Want it. Etc.

Right now this is the only tarot app I have on my phone because it’s just SO PERFECT.

I used to do tarot journaling on my Instagram, but since I’ve shifted away from using Instagram as my major social media platform for the time being, I’ve needed a place to write down my tarot journals.

So, I created the Heart Road Tarot tumblr! Here is where I’ll be posting some of my better  tarot journal entries, my favorite spreads found on the internet, any passing insights or responses to others’ public readings, and maybe some of my own public readings.

This blog isn’t meant to be a functional store to purchase readings yet, but I hope by collecting my journal entries, I can direct future customers, or other interested parties, to a place they can get a taste of my reading style.

Otherwise, it’s feel free to enjoy it!

Tarot Journal: 9/29/2017

About My Astral Soul Makeup, Who I Am, and Why I’m Here.

“Set: 9 of Cups (a seed of hope and wishes and trust)
Nephthys: Princess of Swords (A sacrifice so another could live… Becoming the one who would live. A Steven Universe situation.)

Result: King of Pentacles. (Soul lineage. Soul formation. A resurrection? A remaking.)

The Core: The Lovers (Set and Nephthys. A union. A reunion. A twinning. A spiraling. An “I’m not leaving without you. I love you. Come with me and together we can go far… Journey with me. Share with me. Love each of us with me, and us both as one being. Dance with me and make a star shine of our brilliance.”)

Air: Ace if Cups (Ideas and feelings pouring forth.)
Fire: The Hermit (Looking for self-understanding)
Earth: Queen of Wands (spinning a tale, finding something I can use out of this raw form)
Water: 5 of Cups (trying to find out how to find beauty and potential in the situation instead of focusing on loss.)

The Past: Prince of Cups (An ambitious soul full of other-planar love and fire. A fresh soul. A curious, spirited traveller. Someone who knew they could get the job done. —- remembering Set saying “Oh, I like this one!” With a wicked grin.)

Present: 9 of Pentacles (A woman, Nephthys, keeps herself sequestered until the gestation of life is complete. She holds the Ba of the new life in her hand, in a calming blindfold, until it is ready to take flight.)

Set’s motivation for this series of events: The World + Prince of Wands (Remembering Set telling me not to die, saying “I need you to be in the World.” … Loving a child who is very very very precious to him. Watching them grow. To become someone amazing who would change possibilities.)

Nephthys’s motivation for this series of events: 10 of Cups + 8 of Wands (“I want a happy ending for all of us.. I want to live with my husband. I want us to live together in harmony with our fears behind us. I want a happy ending for us all. I want the world to see it and know what possibilities are out there waiting if you reach to grasp it without fear.”. “I want to change the story. I cannot erase the past but I can clear the old from my heart and fill it with the new and the wonderful and joyous.” – That thing she did with the records of her existences .. she’s changing she’s changing herself. Instead of the past, she is changing herself her records of who she is her energetic makeup , her future. Undoing old ties that keep her trapped and remaking them (((echoes in my head dear gods…))) She changes and changes and changes and is alive. Growth , moving forward. She listens to the beat of her heart and knows she is alive because blood pulses through her and it is the sound of changes for the better. Life is change life is change . She lives she changes. She changes she is alive. She is alive alive alive and isn’t it wonderful?!)

An Anchor: 8 of Cups. (moving on, moving forward.)

A Goal: 2 of Cups (a marriage. A union….

“And we are as one again.”. In bliss..)”

 

Tarot Journal: 10/2/2017

About My Decision About What’s Best For Me and What I Want

“Patient work is rewarded. Work at love. Exist in the balance of both realms– earthly and spiritual. And the rewards are everything you wish for and more.”

Sincerely,

Robin,

Of The Heart Road