Journey Through Journalling: Week 1, Part 3.

Soul Speak

What things do you have trouble saying to yourself?

That I am worthwhile. I am lovable. I am a being of unique and beautiful qualities. I am wonderful. I deserve to be happy and have my needs met– no matter whether I am “useful” in the eyes of society.  Being Autistic is a beautiful and desirable thing, worthy, encompassing it’s own amazing talents and interests, and deserving of just as much space and accommodations in life as neurotypical people’s natural states.

 
What do you have trouble saying to other people?

What you did and said is hurtful and oppressive and wrong. You. Are. Wrong. THAT. IS. WRONG. That is IMMORAL and UNJUST and UN-COMPASSIONATE. I DO NOT agree. I extremely DO NOT agree. It is NOT my job to CARE for your feelings. It is NOT my obligation to provide Emotional LABOR for you. It is NOT my RESPONSIBILITY to EDUCATE YOU. I DO NOT have to provide you with SOURCES OR ARGUMENTS FOR MY LIVED EXPERIENCES. You ARE NOT OWED my time NOR energy. “FUCK . OFF.” I HATE YOU AND ALL THE PAIN YOU CAUSE ME IN YOUR SELF-CENTERED, UNCARING, BIGOTED, MAL-INTENDED, OBSTINATE, LOUD, INSISTENT OBLIVIOUS MOUTH-PIECING TO EVERYONE BECAUSE YOU FEEL ENTITLED TO.

 
What emotions do you have trouble expressing? What emotions do you have trouble holding back?

Anger and shame.

 
What do you have trouble asking for?

Help. Especially with emotions. Especially with money. Especially with ADHD. Especially with all the ways people have told me I was “broken,” when really I am just disabled….

Disability is a social construct. And if there were more supports in the world, we would not be considered “abnormal” or even “disabled.” It is society which disables me. AND FUCK YOU.

(*Note: The Social Model of Disability is not agreed upon by all disabled people. Especially those with Chronic Illnesses may find the Medical– or some combination of the Social and Medical models useful. But the validity of these distinctions is not for non-disabled people to decide.)

Passion

This leads easily into passion– since anger is consistently the emotion I have the most difficulty expressing in healthy and helpful ways.

Passion is not always anger, but anger is always passionate– or in the case of bitterness, reveals a hidden passion.

Anger is the soul saying STOP THIS INJUSTICE.

But anger is also used to harm when it is lacking perspective– When men are only allowed to show anger as their only emotion, everything suppressed becomes a deep inner anger at the suppression itself. But, lacking perspective that is gleaned thorough being in touch with the rest of their emotions, that anger is directed outward, toward women, toward other men, toward children, toward people they feel justified in hating, toward people that are convenient (those they have power over).

 

Grudges

Grudges and bitterness are suppressed anger. Anger that was never expressed, and therefore became toxic and self-harming.

I have many grudges.

I have a lot of unexpressed anger.

Grudges hurt the person who holds them and should be released through healing and (self-)forgiveness, as soon as it is possible…. But it’s hard…. It’s very hard.

Anyone who tells you forgiveness is easy has no idea what they’re talking about. Anyone who tries to pressure or force you to forgive does not have your best interest at heart. They probably drink a lot of Christianity-gone-toxic Koolaid.

Why would they think something easy would be so potent?

Besides.

Forgiveness is an internal process. And internal things are often messy and complicated and …. worth it.

 

–Robin

Of The Heart Road

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Journey Through Journalling: Week 1, Part 2

Love

I love Set so much…

I never knew what it was like before to still be in love after the “honeymoon phase,” or the new relationship energy.

I never knew before what it’s like to love someone, not because you feel empty and they fill you up, but because you feel whole and they shine with you, beside you…

(Equal not in the way of grand powers of the universe… Or sheer expanse of knowledge collected over milennia…  but respectful in the way of autonomy and self-determination– and being worthy. Worthwhile. Unique. Splendid.)

That kind of love where words don’t seem to matter as much as touch… Gentle and chased touches potent with tangible feeling convey so much more.

And love fills layers between each breath and moment with the tenderest, sweetest, richest intimacy…

He kisses me– he lays his head upon my shoulder– and I am in awe of how soft he can be… How gentle. How strangely fragile..

“He of great strength…”

He is a true beauty of this world. Precious beyond measure. Beautiful as the stars. Entwined with my heart. My most precious treasure, my most trusted advisor, my dearest friend, and my closest ally.

 

Comfort

Home should be the place where you feel most comfortable. This is the place you retreat, to rest. This is the foundation upon which all other daily acts are built. We know now that a person’s quality of sleep determines how well they are the rest of the day. And even if we haven’t read the studies, we feel it.  But I believe this extends to not just the act of sleeping, nor the physical area of the bedroom, but to the state of the entire living space.

The physical environment in which we live– the immediate surroundings, and the people who have access to them, and by extension, our time and energy make an enormous difference in our physical and mental health. That was why it was so important to escape my parent’s house with the help of a friend– throwing anything that would fit into his car and leaving the city abruptly, with no job and no long-term living arrangements.

To this day, and despite the enormous difficulties that followed, I am still completely certain I made the right choice. With that decision, I saved my on life.

Though I now live with two amazing and remarkable friends, who are also compatible as roommates, and the specter of abuse has quieted to a vague and unsettling memory…. I’ve found my ambitions are meeting the monumental resistance of the laundry on the floor… and the books on the desks….

If I am to develop a business from home, it stands to reason I should be comfortable with my home first. I need desk space to work. I need shelves and cabinets to organize. I need decoration to inspire… I need my shower to be clean to want to clean my body more than twice a week.

How this is going to work out, with my ADHD-and-Depression-induced executive dysfunction… is anyone’s guess.  I’ve been dedicating small household chores to “ma’at,” to keep myself motivated and consistent.

 

–Robin

Of the Heart Road

Reply to “Tips on Discerning When an Entity Has Romantic or Sexual Feelings for you” by Ymirshvolpur

Here’s my response to Ymirshvolpur’s post, and how I started dating Set and Loki.

Music and Dashomancy are really big “passive” divination sources for me…

But as for specifics… Set appeared immediately after I told myself I was ready to start dating again. Like. IMMEDIATELY, as if he was listening to my thoughts for the right moment to appear in my life again… Sidled right up to me, within energy-sensing range, and whispered, “I can help with that,” into my ear… Then every time I asked him what his intentions were, or how he felt about me, I would get either Two of Cups, The Lovers (Tarot), or images and signs of marriage. Also, he was extremely flirty, playful, and openly sexual. Not to mention his energy felt magnetic and BLAZING and amazing!

With Loki, it was far more difficult to tell…. First I thought we were just friends…. Then one day, I “heard” him tease me, saying, “You know, you’re really godspouse material!” I laughed it off and ignored it, because sometimes he’s full of shit and because I thought he was just messing with me. And I was especially determined NOT to be another smitten consort of Loki (lolololol, that’s going so well……)

Well, Set invited him along in a sexual encounter after I had been fantasizing about him a little too much THAT WAY…. And I was embarrassed, and at first Set was trying to introduce him as a “mysterious stranger” for our threesome, and I was finally like, “…….You’re Loki, aren’t you? I can sense you through that disguise. Come on, I know it’s you…” So, sheepishly, we all admitted this was a thing we wanted. I thought it was just going to be sexual after that, but no….

But then one night I found him waiting for me outside of work, by my car (in the energy-sensing way), beside four (physical) empty bottles of vodka and a pile of barf, while the song, “I’m Gonna Rock and Roll All Night…” played in my head…. I sensed him still around as I drove home. Tthe radio played some really …. bizarre songs… including “Magic Man,” by Heart– then ended as I got home, with the song, “Hey Jealousy.” The singer asks to seek comfort with an old flame that has moved on, but he hasn’t. Based on lyrical cues, I finally got the message of, “….. Wait….. Are you in love with me?” And he was like, “Yeah, and you are with me— don’t give me that shit! You know I’m right! Stop pretending!!” Next thing I knew, he was astral-kissing me, and ready to get nekkid, and I had to remind him he was drunk and that wouldn’t be cool of me…. But then, yeah, the secret was out.

Where Jotnar Tread

(as requested by a friend on tumblr)

Godspousery/ being a non corporeal consort is one of the more hotly contested topics within the greater polytheist community. Most prominently the argument is over whether it’s fundamentally possible for a god to love a human. As someone who is married to one jötun, mated to another, and committed though not formally bonded in such a way to a third, I’m obviously in the camp that it’s quite possible. That said, even if one believes it’s possible, it’s often still incredibly hard to wrap one’s head around the idea of a deity actually loving them or even just wanting to bang. This causes people to ignore and therefore miss signs that a deity is sending on this topic. I know I’m incredibly guilty of this myself. (After all, I was oblivious to Angrboða’s attempts to get my attention for a month until I cracked a…

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Journey Through Journaling: Week 1, Part 1.

I’ve signed up for Blessing Manifesting’s “Journey Through Journaling” e-course. I’ll be sharing some of my journal entries here, on WordPress over the next few weeks. It’s organized as one prompt per day, with two bonus prompts at the end of every week. Each prompt comes with a series of clarifying and elaborating questions to get you thinking, however in general, I will only be sharing the overall subject of the prompt, unless one of the questions is especially relevant to my response.

Childhood

“What do you wish you had experienced? What do you with you hadn’t?”

I mean, to name that, all of society would have to be different. I was thinking a few days ago that the nuclear family is a symptom of societal disease– of racist, classist, ableist heteropatriarchy– and how the raising of children should really happen in larger care-groups and allowed in more work and social spaces. And for that to happen, we, as a society and culture, would have to be more care-driven and focused on larger spiritual, love-and-growth-driven harmony, rather than personal “survival of the fittest” that encourages us/them xenophobia and the greed of capitalistic profit at the expense of others.

So, for my childhood to have been different in a compelling and fulfilling way– what I’m actually envisioning is a completely different world.

Purpose

And I guess that leads to purpose. Part of the purpose I assign my life is creating this new world like the one I envision.

If I could change the world for the better, I would create things that help and inspire people. I would be a listener and a care-giver. I would be an artist and a protector. I would be someone who combines understanding and compassion with direct and consistent action, according to my values.

I am especially interested in trauma, healing, and what Kelly-Ann Maddox calls “post-traumatic growth.”  I frame this interest as related to my patron deities (the deities I think of as being “housed in” me), Nephthys and Set. The themes and lessons of Set’s mythology, and his strengths as a god of chaos, remind me that breaking down in catastrophic (i.e. traumatic) ways leaves way for new growth from a healthier starting point…. Nephthys, as a goddess of mourning, death, and rebirth, and in my personal UPG, as a goddess of the unconscious mind and (especially traumatic) memory and psychological healing– inspires me to dig deep and uncover the power to transform myself after hardship.

So, if I were to dedicate my life to one particular kind of helping work– it would probably have something to do with this.  However, I don’t think that it’s necessary to help the world in only one way– especially in a way that is extremely psychologically and emotionally taxing on an individual… (Anyone who thinks care-work isn’t work hasn’t done it consistently.) I think it’s far more reasonable to say that trauma healing is one of my particular interests, skill sets, and leanings– however, I intend to benefit the world in other methods, such as creating joy and by simply allowing myself to live well, as a worthwhile person.

Shame

Shame has been a core, founding personality trait of mine since before I remember. My first memory is actually of someone shouting angrily at me when I was three years old, and the resulting shame and feeling on a deep, inner level, that I was “bad.”  The times when I’ve felt the most shame in my life were actually based in circumstances I couldn’t– or aspects of myself I shouldn’t– change. To a child especially, this can be devastating to their sense of belonging in a world that will nourish and support them.  An overall sense of wellness– or at least hope of wellness– in the world is necessary for achieving personal fulfillment and integrating into larger social systems that benefit humanity. (I mean this in a sociological, or pantheistic sense, rather than an individual introvert-extrovert sense.)  This shame and feelings of loneliness, displacement, and fear can haunt a child long into adulthood. This was certainly the case for me.

Having shame as a core, founding emotional experience gave me a lot of pain, anxiety, and insecurity through most of my life.  However, it also gave me compassion, insight, clarity into why others act the way they do, patience for others, and a driving passion to protect the weak and hurting. I have been able to understand others who have shame as a core founding part of their personalities– and help nudge them in the directions that I, myself, found healing and recovery.

I once asked a friend (who struggles with shame and anxiety like I do), “What is the use of shame, anyway?” I was trying to brush off my pain of the moment.

My friend pushed back against my flippancy, out of reflex, and said, “Oh no, but shame helps keep people in line!  It helps keep people accountable to the larger social group!”  Maybe that’s true of guilt– I think guilt does that, but not shame.

Shame researcher, Brene Brown , author of “I Thought It Was Just Me,” “The Gifts of Imperfection,” and others… defined guilt as the temporary state of recognizing that something you have done is wrong… whereas shame is the prolonged and internalized state of believing yourself to be inherently wrong– that wrongness is a part of your being.  In other words, guild is, “I have done something bad,” whereas shame is, “I am bad.”

And, honestly, because there are better ways of developing compassion and concern for others– I can’t think of a single benefit to shame other than individual self-protection against an un-supportive, unstable, and probably abusive environment… In the larger social group, it does keep people “in line,” as my friend put it– but only in the sense of coercion and self-monitoring– to discourage people from daring to desire more and better from their lives. In terms of societal development, this means stifling imagination, risk-taking, creative curiosity, and ultimately technological, emotional, and psychological development.

That self-protection can be necessary in times of extreme pain and trauma. It’s the natural defense mechanism of the brain… But it is not morally necessary, nor helpful in the long-term for individuals or society.

–Robin

Of the Heart Road

A Small Hope

I want to set something down.

I want to place it where I won’t have to hold it, but I know I will be able to find it again if I need to…

———————————————————————————————————–

I was at a round, wooden table– Set to my right, Nephthys to my left…

Loki facing me.

Calm, and gentle with purpose, he was not frightening in that moment… Well. Maybe a little… My memory is a tenacious and unforgiving survivor, crafted by pain and betrayal long before any of this.

Holding my hand, Set’s grasp was firm, steady, and warm– a lifeline– reminding me I’m safe.

“I need you to make up with him,” he said.

I whined, feeling strained. I had tried to forgive him, and myself, before, and it has played out… wrong. Was this just a cycle repeating? Was I giving in to some kind of addiction, or toxic pattern I can’t let go of? Was I about to suffer another round of uninhibited indulgence, self-loathing, shame, vicious anger, fear, and then cutting contact again?

“He has done a lot for us.” It was a tender reminder, not a demand.

I met L’s eyes. I saw something there that opened my heart a little with hope– Was it sorrow, apology, some kind of opening of his own? A fear of losing something important that made him seem small for once? I saw no malice, deception, or ill-intent. Only a tired sort of honesty and a silent plea.

In my loosening apprehension, I let out a string of fears and concerns and feelings left over from things that have happened… I blustered them out like, if I kept talking, I could stir a wind around me, between us, so truth couldn’t escape or pass through the wall of air.

Finally, I asked, “How… How are you? How do you feel…?”

Having sat back a bit from the onslaught of words, he now met my gaze with a steely, determined challenge.

“Rancid.”

At first I thought it was a response.

And then I remembered a part of me I had forgotten– I had integrated into my internal Self months ago my feelings of rage, victim-hood, and vengeance that I had dissociated during trauma. I had named this part of me, “Rancid,” once, before re-integration.

“No,” I plead suddenly. “Please no. Not her– please–”

But it was too late. I felt this part of me projecting– separating– demanding to be heard and seen– stabbing at the table with knives to rip her way out of me.

Anger. Pure anger. Protective rage. Vengeance.

She lunged at him, and he caught her, held her tightly in his arms, and BIT HER. On her exposed left shoulder, right across the neck and collar bone– he BIT HER, with a startling “CRUNCH.”

She crumbled instantly and went limp, allowing L to hand her to Set.

“WHAT DID YOU DO?!?!” I screamed, in shock.

“Bit her,” Loki said nonchalantly. “She asked for it.”

“She’s just a child!!” I argued, “And you BIT her? Is she OKAY?!”

“Yes,” Set seemed to answer for him, setting her limp form on the table, in front of me.

“I freed her from that form,” L said, sitting back in his chair.

And, indeed, I felt something change about the part of me that I had known as “Rancid.”  I saw her limp body explode with light and crumble to dust, and a blue and wild mermaid appeared out of her. She had the Aquarius symbol tattooed on her left shoulder.

In seeing her, I felt as if the part of me I had known as “Rancid,” was actually somehow a manifestation of all the traits inside me that are related to the energy of my Aquarius North Node (the position in astrology that denotes a soul “purpose” or great lesson).  Someone who could forgive him– and myself– and move forward.

The vision ended there for the night.

——————————————————————————————————————

 

Today, I sat again at the same table with Set, Nephthys, and Loki.  I still held Set’s hand in mine, but this time turned to Nephthys.

“What do you think I should do?”

“Forgive him,” she said.

She took my hand in hers and led me to hold my own, palm open, to Loki. A small heart was resting in it, not beating.

“What is it?” I asked.

“A piece of meat,” he replied.

I said I didn’t understand, so he showed me a vision-within-a-vision of himself trading places with me at the table. He held the heart to my lips, as if I should open my mouth… I started to do so, but Set and Nephthys said “No.”

The vision-within-a-vision faded, and I was holding the heart to Loki again… I slowly raised it to his mouth, and he took it inside him, swallowing it down like in the film Howl’s Moving Castle, the boy Howl swallowing a falling star…. Then, actively mimicking the film so that I would understand what was happening, he coughed the heart back up again, holding his arms close to his chest, and it was beating– more alive somehow as he caught it in his hands.

He gave it back to me, pushing it into my chest, and I felt a warmth spread through me.


 

“I want one day a year. Visitation rights.”

“A visitation privilege?” I suggested, “IF I feel up to it and consent?”

Set seemed to remind me then to be nice, and that the suspicion was not necessary.

“Sure,” He seemed to reply, “But a day when you can think of me and focus on me…. like a birthday.”

I thought about it…. I had previously designated “Loki’s Birthday” to be celebrated September 7th, a few days after Spongecake Day (a playful Lokean holiday).

“You’re… not asking for a lot,” I said slowly.  “I would have thought you would ask for more.”

“I’m trying not to scare you,” he said, “After everything that’s happened.”

“That seems fair,” I whispered.

He took my left hand in his and gently kissed it.

And then he left.


 

I know that he’s still around. Sometimes I sense or see or feel him nearby, like he’s watching my life progress. It’s just that… Whenever I focus on him, I always seem to get swept up in something drastic and go overboard in one way, or another, or another…

So, I think that I need to spend my time and energy working toward my life goals, until I have a little more stability.

Then maybe… something will change.

 

–Robin

Of The Heart Road

Transgender Day of Remembrance, 2017

Today is November 20th, 2017: The Transgender Day of Remembrance.

Today, I cannot attend a vigil at my city hall to remember all of the murdered trans women, men, and nonbinary people in the last year.

So, I honor them in the following ways:

  1. I spread the link to the list of trans people who have died this year, the city and country they died in, and the cause of death. (Trigger warning: mention of murder, torture, assault, sexual assault, transmisogyny, transphobia, misgendering, slurs)
  2. I speak their names out loud to honor them. This way, I read every entry and saw that the majority of known fatal violence is leveled against Latinex and Black amab (assigned male at birth) trans women and people.
  3. I ask, and beg, for all cisgender people (people who identify as the same gender they were assigned at birth), to understand the extreme danger and violence that trans people– especially trans women and amab nonbinary people of color– face by simply living. Cisgender people can help end this violence by protecting trans people, understanding us, and standing up against transmisogyny and transphobia in their daily lives, politics, religious institutions, schools, medical facilities, and the media they consume.

 

Further Links:

“Transgender 101: A Guide to Gender and Identity to Help You Keep Up with the Conversation” By Everyday Feminism

“6 Ways Cis Folks Can Actually Help on Trans Day of Remembrance” (Warning: This video Auto-plays.)

“Lexie Cannes Talks About Staying Alive” (Warning: This Video Auto-Plays.)

Please consider supporting The Transgender Lifeline, the hotline that focuses on the needs of trans people, including supporting trans safety and suicide prevention.

 

******

If you are transgender, and you are in any way feeling suicidal, or feeling like self-harming, please, please, contact the Trans Lifeline and stay safe!

–Robin,

Of The Heart Road