Self-Respect, Cyclical Behavior, and a Story

Ever since 2017, ever since a particularly traumatic thing happened between Loki and myself,  I had been alternating between accepting that I love Loki, and pushing him away in anger and fear that he had been lying to me the whole time about caring for me… I’ve written about the early parts of that, but not since about February.

It was only around June this year, or so, that I realized that some of my problems communicating with Loki about this, or at all, were because I was doing the Borderline Personality Disorder/C-PTSD thing called “splitting.” I was essentially reacting alternately to two different sets of memories and feelings that had been partitioned off from each other, because they had felt irreconcilable. Therefore, I would switch from casting him as either “all good,” or “all bad,” depending on what memories were activated and accessible that month or that day….

Splitting in my memories and ideas of him, combined with the stress of moving, unpacking, working, disabilities, finances, running the KFaSS Discord when I didn’t have enough energy, struggling with several different friend groups, etc. was an extremely difficult time from February to October. I felt like I was losing myself again. My roommate even gave me a note at one point, saying, “I think you’ve lost yourself and faith in your ability to improve your life, and that’s not good for you. You need to make some changes.”

In October, I finally understood, deeply and not just intellectually, that I had been splitting. The last time I’d had an emotional flashback and pushed Loki away, I hadn’t even justified it with anything he had supposedly done in the moment. I had eventually calmed down enough to think that– You, know… Maybe I’m Not Well and this isn’t really…. Entirely you….

So, I tried another route to healing.  I journaled about the historical, political, psychological, and interpersonal phenomena of “Scapegoating,” and how it affected my life. I connected it to themes that Loki had been teaching me for over a year about trauma, healing, and The Devil card in Tarot.

I sat down and identified patterns around my cyclical behavior:

  1. getting scared from an emotional flashback that he was manipulating and lying to me about loving me, for his own gain
  2. pushing him completely out of my life with no contact
  3. realizing I had been unfair to one or both of us in my assessment of the situation
  4. reconciling with him and making myself very vulnerable to him to beg forgiveness
  5. feeling shame I had done so so quickly, capitulated and ignored my own concerns so easily, because maybe I was weak and stupid…
  6. getting scared into an emotional flashback again, and pushing him away.  

 

Identifying this cycle, I talked with him about it, talked with Set about it, journaled about it, and tried to notice all of my triggeres, so I wouldn’t fall into these patterns again…

Set and Loki, together, talked to me about how there was a key component of “respect” in the matter. Divination and godphone communication on the subject was was hazy, like they wanted me to come to some awareness on my own… It wasn’t until my roommate gave me that note — that said I seemed, to him, to make decisions based on whether or not people would approve of me (and therefore not “abandon” me), rather than if I approved of myself– that it clicked for me it was about self-respect, as opposed to respect of an authority figure who could be angry, and hurt me.

I had to center in decisions that would support and increase my own self-respect.

So, for about a month, I made progress with Loki by communicating openly with him about my sense of self-respect.  He told me I had made it through an important realization, and that the worst was behind me. He encouraged me to read about self love, practice self-respect, and seek therapy about it.

Then in November, I tried to read the book, Learning Good Consent, edited by Cindy Crabb, had another emotional flashback.

I pushed him away vehemently again. A few days later, having come back down off the anger-high, I felt so embarrassed and ashamed that I had done this again– AGAIN!  Why did I always do this?!!  Every time he asked me to talk to him about what happened, no matter how he approached me, I continued to shut him out and say, “Not until my new therapy program! I’m still broken!  Not until they fix me!  I’ll just hurt us both again!”

He seemed to accept this answer for a while, letting me have my sense of control, telling me he would wait for me to be ready, except that… as it’s taking me longer than I initially thought it would to get me into the therapy program, I kept feeling bad. I kept thinking about him.

I’m starting to think now– what if the entire time I had told him to go away, from February to October, and he kept coming back– what if it was because I had still been thinking about him, unable to heal, and that summoned him…? And I had blamed him for that?  For ignoring boudaries I had set without understanding how the very emotional/astral bonds I had made with him would just outright SUMMON HIM??

Suddenly a lot of fucking things would make a lot more god-damned fucking SENSE, WOULDN’T IT?? How he kept acting like it was ME doing this–!!

So he appeared– right when I was thinking about him– each time. And I thought goddamn it!  He’s so impatient!! Won’t he let me go through this therapy first?! I was annoyed. But I refused to react.   

And then two days ago, I just… woke up and made the decision to talk to him. I just decided to tell him how I felt, what I wanted, and what I was afraid of. Why I kept thinking about him so much. Why one night, driving, I had accidentally thought of him, and come to the realization (again) “Oh my god, I love him…… Fuck, that’s so inconvenient… goddamnit….

He listened.

The next night, we talked again. He listened.

I was even angry at one point, but I didn’t split into all-or-nothing thinking. He was angry at once point, but I wasn’t afraid of abandoment or retaliation. I just looked inside me at what parts of me still needed to be answered, what parts wanted to ask him questions, what parts of me needed self-respect…

I nearly cried at him that I was afraid he had lied about loving me, and he said, “No. No…. I have the Deepest, most Resounding love for you.” The way he said it– the weight and the tenderness in his words shook me.  

That night, he said he would stay beside me as I went to sleep, so I asked him to tell me a story. Surprised, but willing, he eventually fell into a simple tale as I drifted off:

“In a fair town by the sea, a small boy had grown the most beautiful flower in his heart, It was the talk of the town in all its splendor. All who saw it marveled at how it glowed, even in the sunlight, as if illuminated from within with a soft, golden light.  Then one day, the flower was gone… He looked for it by the riverbanks, near the otter dens, and the fairy forests. He looked for it in beds with young maidens and lads like himself. He looked for it in his children and in the lakes and fishing ponds … Until one day, he was old and couldn’t look far from his home anymore– so he looked for it in the smiles of his grandchildren and in the sunrise over the mountains…  And then, almost as soon as the day had come he was born, he was nearly ready to die. And then, as if by magic, on his deathbed, surrounded by the people he loved, he looked inward, and there in his arms was the flower. He realized, marveling at its beauty as he lay dying, that he had never lost it at all. It had been there the entire time. And he, a foolish boy and then a foolish man, had only forgotten how to see it…. And with this knowledge, he died happily.”

 


–Robin

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Kemetic Holiday Calendar 2019

A few weeks ago, born of a desire to celebrate more than Wep Ronpet every year, I sat in a coffee shop and compiled information for six hours, and ended up with a 2019 version of my own Kemetic Holiday Calendar.

I made it with the intention of sharing it with the Kemetic Fandom and Spiritual Stuff Discord, so that, if people wanted, we could celebrate the holidays together!

Feel free to participate if it appeals to you as well!

What are you looking forward to celebrating this coming year? 

-Robin

Progress Is Slow

Tumblr is wheezing its last final breath. In need of a platform, I figure that this WordPress or the Kemetic Fandom and Spiritual Stuff Discord is where I’ll end up, unless some other option presents itself.

So to spruce the place up, I finally figured out how to add a monthly archive widget to the sidebar. That will make navigation a lot easier for everyone.

As for content, I guess I’ll have to get organized and serious about what kind of things I’m going to write on here. The problem at the moment is that I’m not sure that I have a consistent internal map of who I am, my values, and what my goals are, much less a concrete plan for this blog.

Anyway, to fix that, I’m getting started in a new Dialetic Behavioral Therapy outpatient program through the hospital, so that will be five weeks of intense work on constructing a self, setting boundaries, learning what contributes to my own self-respect, and utilizing emotional regulation tools. Hopefully that will help give me some of the structure I desperately crave in my life. And some ability to cope better.

Bullet Journalling is helping with my Inattentive ADHD and general Executive Dysfunction, but only to a point.

I really need ADHD medication to be able to do this life thing in a broader sense and not have it all fall to crumbling ash every five or so days as I forget what I was working toward. So, I have a list of psychiatrists within my insurance network to contact once I get my phone fixed… which the repair shop should be contacting me about in a few days….

It’s just always one thing after another, and an endless stream of tasks and busywork to keep this body alive, but hey… At least I’m making progress.

And I do feel like I am.

I just also want to be able to hold long-term goals and plans in my head too, and work toward those…. And to even know what those should BE. Some kind of creative project, I guess, but it’s hard to keep all your wits about you to be creative when you’re constantly mired in trying to dig yourself out of a ditch.

Anyway, I’m trying.

Bear with me. And see you around.

-Robin

Autonomy

“Okay Robin, What makes you Happy?” I asked myself, probably sitting at a coffee shop much like this one, with my pen poised over my “Self-Love Workbook” /Planner and spending too much on coffee to stay awake.  The problem was, as someone with long-time depression, trauma, ETC, it was a much harder question to answer than I first hoped.

Okay then– if “happiness” isn’t working for me– or at least isn’t something I can conceptualize at this moment– what else is there?

Coming home to a dirty apartment for the last time, I got sick of it.  I cleaned all the messiest (still unpacked) boxes and unintended storage spaces I could while my cat ran in a perturbed confusion around the living room.

Laying in bed, I felt the presence of that one trickster god again– the one I had recently told to go away– of no further impetus of his own, but because I remembered or un-buried some trauma attached to a thing he did and has long since apologized for…

Sitting at the end of my bed, he waited for me to send him away.

I didn’t.  Instead I said, “I’m afraid of you.”   Quietly, he responded.

“I’m sorry I broke your trust.”

“I know,” I said, “Some part of me is afraid of you… and some part of me that isn’t afraid of you loves you.”

“Do you know what part of you isn’t afraid of me?” he asked.

I reached inside for an answer: A pure, bright, light part of me. A small star inside me, shining heat-less and calm.

A part of me I imagined in astral vision as if it was Baldur… Or a connection to Source. A connection to the eternal, ethereal force of complete acceptance.

“I love that part of you, too.”


Hitting two balls of thin, soft yarn together animatedly with my hands, I chattered in a room full of lazy, tired queer boys lounging in overlapping sprawls.

To my credit– I was invited.

“I want to connect with feminine queer culture– feminist punk and anarchist sustainability and care work of femmes– by femmes– for femmes!” I said.

“…. And I want to go on testosterone to affirm my nonbinary gender– and to fuck the gender binary– and to feel in my body the Temperance and mixture and complete wholeness of gendered concept I feel in my heart! The softness and strength– the ferocity and the gentleness, the power and the carefulness, the love and the … LOVE. The love of myself and the love of all others–!!

“…. Do you think queer women will want to date me if I do that??”

Rolling his eyes, my friend exhaled an exasperated, “Robin…. YES.”

“Oh…” I said, slowly starting to realize it was me holding myself back the whole time…

“Queer women are pretty smart. You know, as a general rule,” one of the other boys chimed in, not looking up from his phone.

“…okay.”

My friend, actually far more supportive than annoyed with me gave me his best facial approximation of  “You are valid,” and returned his sleepy attention to the boy closest to him as the conversation shifted.

….

See– what I’ve taken form these moments is that– I need to be fully myself, without fear, in order for the happiness to appear. SO if the happiness isn’t getting through, I have to ask myself,

“How can I create more autonomy in my actions– and confidence in myself to perform those actions– to create my life the way I want it?”
Also.

“What am I afraid of? And is it worth losing sight of myself to be safe (but fearful) in the known? Or can I peel back the masks that are keeping me from catching a glimpse of my own desire? My own true self?”

This is an ongoing process.

— Robin
Of The Heart Road

D is for Discord, and Depression

As some of you may know, until recently, I ran a kemetic pagan Discord server, primarily serving kemetic pagans on tumblr.

Overall, I think my time doing it went okay. People had interesting and fun conversations there. Even the Epagomenal Days and Wep Ronpet celebrations and contests had more participation than I expected.

But when it came down to it, I really am too fucking tired to do any of it. I was from the beginning. I tried to create kemetic community out of desperation for connection, while I floundered in the full-time work hours that were (and, though reduced, still are) slowly killing me body and soul.

I just can’t do it anymore.

So, wanting to preserve the opportunity for kemetic pagan users to continue having a good time and getting into discussions, I gave ownership and responsibility over to someone who had helped me moderate since the Epagomenal Days began. Someone I don’t even particularly LIKE, nor AGREE with in his ideas for community and methods. He just happens to be the one with the most experience moderating anything AND with enough energy (apparently) to keep the discord running at all. So, that’s that.  Being optimistic, hopefully he will actually make something good out of it. But it has nothing to do with me anymore.

I’m not even participating in the discord as a regular user anymore, because

  1. I realized that discord and chasing internet connections was taking up too much of my time, when I found that spending time with in-person friends was far more supportive of my mental and emotional health. (I’m not dissing internet relationships. I also realize that in-person friendships are not an option for everyone.)
  2. I’m not interested in interacting with the new owner of the discord any more than is absolutely necessary, because as I said before– He and I don’t exactly see eye-to-eye.
  3. It’s really fucking heart-breaking to have to abandon something you put your heart into because you are just fucking OUT OF SPOONS as a disabled, mentally ill, low-income, Autistic person living under capitalism.  And to find that the ideals you have and the values you have aren’t mutually held by society enough to be sustainable.

So– Depression. That grey fog that sticks to your organs and churns out, at best, apathy, and at worst, crushing debilitating suicidal ideation.

I’ve been here enough years, you’d think that my brain would figure out better, more empowering solutions to depression than “I just need more MONEY, ” and “What if every horrible politician just suddenly, MAGICALLY, DIED?? (Oh please gods, please!)…”

Well, actually… It HAS, but I’m not in a good enough mood to remember them, lol. Which is always the problem at this part of the depression cycle. At least in this stage, I can remember that there ARE better, more helpful things that come after this cruddy slog.

I’m trying to jump-start that process by (ironically) catching up with current events, but through digestible mediums such as The Daily Show and Last Week Tonight segments.

Sometimes accepting that you’re in the muck and that you’re going to eventually run out of muck the best you can fucking do.
And that’s okay.

-Robin
Of The Heart Road

EDIT: 12/14/2018:  Btw, Devo, of The Twisted Rope WordPress and Tumblr is now the new owner of the Kemetic Fandom and Spiritual Stuff Discord, after the other person left the group. I DO like and respect Devo, so that’s a much better situation for the Discord, and it’s going much better, imo.  TBH, I don’t know why I left it to the other person other than I was so triggered into a panic mode that I didn’t care as long as I was able to cut-and-run. So. More mental health issues to work through. And I have been working through them.

Fragmentation, Bonds, and Soul Relationships

A couple weeks ago, my friends E and B were helping me move across town and haul boxes. B rode with me because E’s car was full with furniture, and we got to talking about our recent spiritual experiences…

B told me about reconnecting with their spiritual foundations by reviewing original texts and starting a new creative project for themself referencing those texts. I described some of my spiritual relationships. I told them how I’ve been really interested in cosmology (spirit-universe structure), interpersonal relationships of all kinds, and how degrees and layers of unity and separation create personal and interpersonal identity. After hearing this, B said,

“It makes sense that you would be interested in that, because it sounds like you’ve spent a lot of your life sort of fragmented.”

Maybe it’s odd that this assessment startled me– I’ve been very open with my friends and even online about my complex ptsd, personality disorder, neurodiversity and my experiences of under-supported, and under-developed identity. I guess it had just not occurred to me to frame it that specific way as a motive. My personal development and interests, as the person experiencing them, simply feel natural to me.  However, it’s probably accurate.

Synchronistically, I’m listening to The Adventure Zone, by Griffin, Travis, Clint, and Justin McElroy, and the “The Stolen Century” episode in which (I’ll try to avoid spoilers) an important narrative device is explained to be powered by bonds… And I realized that this is another way of describing relationships– relationships of love, power, friendship, social obligation, oppression, solidarity, etc. — but also systems of internal mental and emotional workings.

I’ve asked Set and Loki before about soul bonds and spiritual relationships– “twin souls” and soul mates. Each has tried to explain to me, but still to no real concrete understanding on my part. Maybe this is because my desire for understanding fixates on having some sort of diagram laid out in front of me, to sooth my ego’s self-doubts of the information I am receiving.

I gather that Set and Nephthys are “twin souls,” and through my connection with her, I also have a connection to Set in this way (as does at least one other incarnated shard of Nephthys I’ve encountered). But as for what twin souls are, it appears to me a consciousness that splits apart at some diverging point in order to experience a contrast in itself as another person. This divergence contrasts almost to the point of dualism, and co-mirroring sort of relationship, but each soul retains the core essence of the original soul. It is merely their paths of inherited learning, experience, and karmic trace paths that are different. These karmic trace paths also mirror each other in order to bring the twin souls back together at important intervals in their development….

At the end of their period of learning as separate beings, the souls re-align and merge again… And for this path, this “mirroring/merging” energy is highly charged in all aspects of this kind of relationship (which, I guess, might be why in human relationships, these bonds can end in codependency, violent separation, and each triggering the other into soul-searching and transformation).

I sense that the karmic exchanges and bonds between soul mates have a higher degree of variance and mirror only in parts– with a further degree of separation, as if they meet, not at half moon intersections, but diagonally, at corners of their soul paths… These relationships are not necessarily marked by the passionate yearning to “merge” as the twin soul relationships seem, to me, to be. However, they can be supportive, close, challenging, and take many forms from professional to romantic or platonic.

I also gather that, if more than one shard of a being, or soul, is incarnated into a human being (more common than you might think), that human person can have more than one set of twin souls and soul mates.  (Yes, multiple twin souls!)

Anyway, these are my thoughts lately. Sorry I don’t have the time or energy to polish them up a bit more for you, but I’ve been busy with two job changes, being sick, and a move. Also, I have another long post I’m working on for you and I don’t want to leave a lot of unfinished and backed-up posts in my drafts.

So I hope you enjoyed this. I’ll write again soon.

-Robin

Of The Heart Road

Set Channeling 3/4/2018

Hello Everyone! I have something exciting for you today!

Below is an an exclusive link to my brief channeling of Set, for anyone who is a follower or devotee of Set!

I have channeled Set before, once on video and several times in written form. Overall, when I speak of “channeling,”  I mean it as an umbrella term to include what many tumblr pagans and kemetics call “godphone,” which I interpret as a form of natural, casual channeling while in a conscious state. Godphone usually requires me to interpret and translate telepathic and empathic feelings, images, or impressions that are sometimes complicated or vague.

The channeling in the video, however, is done in a more relaxed and purposeful state so that he could choose exact words to say.  You could say that, if godphone and trance-channeling (where you leave your body and allow another being to come in completely) were on either end of a spectrum– godphone being informal and unfocused, and trance channeling being formal and highly focused– the channeling in this video might be somewhere in the middle. I am still in my body and conscious, but I am also more focused and relaxed, so the message is clearer, and he is able to project exact words into my consciousness, and even control my body movements to some extent. [Don’t worry- this kind of channeling is completely consensual at all times.]

As you will see, he loves his followers very much and has such joy in inspiring them! Please forgive my confusion at the end of the video, because I had thought he would say more. XD

-Robin
Of The Heart Road