As some of you may know, until recently, I ran a kemetic pagan Discord server, primarily serving kemetic pagans on tumblr.
Overall, I think my time doing it went okay. People had interesting and fun conversations there. Even the Epagomenal Days and Wep Ronpet celebrations and contests had more participation than I expected.
But when it came down to it, I really am too fucking tired to do any of it. I was from the beginning. I tried to create kemetic community out of desperation for connection, while I floundered in the full-time work hours that were (and, though reduced, still are) slowly killing me body and soul.
I just can’t do it anymore.
So, wanting to preserve the opportunity for kemetic pagan users to continue having a good time and getting into discussions, I gave ownership and responsibility over to someone who had helped me moderate since the Epagomenal Days began. Someone I don’t even particularly LIKE, nor AGREE with in his ideas for community and methods. He just happens to be the one with the most experience moderating anything AND with enough energy (apparently) to keep the discord running at all. So, that’s that. Being optimistic, hopefully he will actually make something good out of it. But it has nothing to do with me anymore.
I’m not even participating in the discord as a regular user anymore, because
- I realized that discord and chasing internet connections was taking up too much of my time, when I found that spending time with in-person friends was far more supportive of my mental and emotional health. (I’m not dissing internet relationships. I also realize that in-person friendships are not an option for everyone.)
- I’m not interested in interacting with the new owner of the discord any more than is absolutely necessary, because as I said before– He and I don’t exactly see eye-to-eye.
- It’s really fucking heart-breaking to have to abandon something you put your heart into because you are just fucking OUT OF SPOONS as a disabled, mentally ill, low-income, Autistic person living under capitalism. And to find that the ideals you have and the values you have aren’t mutually held by society enough to be sustainable.
So– Depression. That grey fog that sticks to your organs and churns out, at best, apathy, and at worst, crushing debilitating suicidal ideation.
I’ve been here enough years, you’d think that my brain would figure out better, more empowering solutions to depression than “I just need more MONEY, ” and “What if every horrible politician just suddenly, MAGICALLY, DIED?? (Oh please gods, please!)…”
Well, actually… It HAS, but I’m not in a good enough mood to remember them, lol. Which is always the problem at this part of the depression cycle. At least in this stage, I can remember that there ARE better, more helpful things that come after this cruddy slog.
I’m trying to jump-start that process by (ironically) catching up with current events, but through digestible mediums such as The Daily Show and Last Week Tonight segments.
Sometimes accepting that you’re in the muck and that you’re going to eventually run out of muck the best you can fucking do.
And that’s okay.
Of The Heart Road