I’m in a really rough transition stage right now. At the beginning of January, the Netjeru gave me a self-channeled assignment for 2018 that I’m following through on as best as I know how.
Most of it is about finding my True Self, and what my Divine Will, or “Purpose,” or expression of “me at my best” is… And so I’m in a state of change– which is technically always true but feels more relevant now, at least in my experiences this year so far, than in previous years.
Set still loves me and I love him dearly… However, partly for my sake and partly for his (which, in the realms of unity and oneness that I’ve been experiencing lately, I wonder what “for my sake” or “for his sake” matters when it may just as well be… just the way that things cycle around sometimes for the sake of all that is…), he has been taking a step back from my spiritual guidance, assistance, and exploration, at least on a conscious level for my human self… I guess I’m also healing in a lot of ways emotionally and about love and about sex that I… Even when he is around and offering to spend time with me, I feel off somehow– like I’m still trying to figure out again how to exist and self-actualize, and who I am….
It feels difficult to love earnestly, from the core of me, and to lean in gently to accept and love the whole of him… when I don’t quite know who I am yet…
It becomes uncomfortable somehow. Like I’m going through some set of motions that I expect to have to go through… But he says I don’t have to “perform” for him.
And then I wonder how much of my personality IS a performance– and built on performance– from pretending all my life to be someone I wasn’t, to secure the conditional love of my parents and the others around me, influencing my life in such ways that I felt helpless if I didn’t appease them…
When he tells me I don’t have to perform, I…
I wonder who I am and who I can be–
Who I really am… Who “I AM.”
What is my Source connection?
What is my Mission on Earth, in a human incarnation?
What IS the purpose of my being alive here, like this, as a human, in the illusion of separation…?
What do I most want to create?
What does that reflect in me?
That’s what I’m trying to figure out.
On a night I had a “last-straw-” bad shift at work, just before quitting, I accidentally ended up channeling my soul self– or “higher self…” …. One of them… One of the levels… Maybe it was my Source connection– I don’t know. But I channeled a ME that loved me so unconditionally, and so tenderly… I asked them, “Why did I incarnate into a human body? Why did I CHOOSE this– when I feel so much suffering? I hurt so much… WHY?”
They held me gently in their arms, in the deepest peace, and whispered into my left ear as they cradled me, “Do you want to know a secret…?” And when I grew still enough for them to continue, they said,
“I came to this Earth to love you…”
With that softest of admissions, it was like someone had attached a vacuum to my heart and hit the “catharsis” button to suck out all my feelings left yet uncried– and I WAILED.
I WAILED with the force of twenty-eight years of feeling unloved and unloveable. It was like this version of me had just– uncorked that deepest place of hurt in my pre-memory child-self to drain it all at once– I HOWLED and KEENED in the force of the release that burst up from my “root” energy center, through my heart center and out my throat.
After that night, I have been looking in the mirror every day and telling myself, “I love you,” and allowing myself to FEEL it– both the giving AND the receiving of my own love.
It feels wonderful.
Luckily, on the emotions front– I have a new therapist, whom I intend to discuss these things with– including my desire to feel valued, which I believe connects to the desire to know my True Self and Purpose(s) better.
In the general life front, I have been distracted with job and household changes that came to a head between the New Moon on January 16th and the second Full Moon on January 31st, with the help on an intentional magical working on my part.
Even so, I have still managed to make some YouTube videos on my channel, if you are interested in checking those out!
Thank you all for reading! Hope you all are having a good 2018!
Of The Heart Road