What things do you have trouble saying to yourself?
That I am worthwhile. I am lovable. I am a being of unique and beautiful qualities. I am wonderful. I deserve to be happy and have my needs met– no matter whether I am “useful” in the eyes of society. Being Autistic is a beautiful and desirable thing, worthy, encompassing it’s own amazing talents and interests, and deserving of just as much space and accommodations in life as neurotypical people’s natural states.
What do you have trouble saying to other people?
What you did and said is hurtful and oppressive and wrong. You. Are. Wrong. THAT. IS. WRONG. That is IMMORAL and UNJUST and UN-COMPASSIONATE. I DO NOT agree. I extremely DO NOT agree. It is NOT my job to CARE for your feelings. It is NOT my obligation to provide Emotional LABOR for you. It is NOT my RESPONSIBILITY to EDUCATE YOU. I DO NOT have to provide you with SOURCES OR ARGUMENTS FOR MY LIVED EXPERIENCES. You ARE NOT OWED my time NOR energy. “FUCK . OFF.” I HATE YOU AND ALL THE PAIN YOU CAUSE ME IN YOUR SELF-CENTERED, UNCARING, BIGOTED, MAL-INTENDED, OBSTINATE, LOUD, INSISTENT OBLIVIOUS MOUTH-PIECING TO EVERYONE BECAUSE YOU FEEL ENTITLED TO.
What emotions do you have trouble expressing? What emotions do you have trouble holding back?
Anger and shame.
What do you have trouble asking for?
Help. Especially with emotions. Especially with money. Especially with ADHD. Especially with all the ways people have told me I was “broken,” when really I am just disabled….
Disability is a social construct. And if there were more supports in the world, we would not be considered “abnormal” or even “disabled.” It is society which disables me. AND FUCK YOU.
(*Note: The Social Model of Disability is not agreed upon by all disabled people. Especially those with Chronic Illnesses may find the Medical– or some combination of the Social and Medical models useful. But the validity of these distinctions is not for non-disabled people to decide.)
This leads easily into passion– since anger is consistently the emotion I have the most difficulty expressing in healthy and helpful ways.
Passion is not always anger, but anger is always passionate– or in the case of bitterness, reveals a hidden passion.
Anger is the soul saying STOP THIS INJUSTICE.
But anger is also used to harm when it is lacking perspective– When men are only allowed to show anger as their only emotion, everything suppressed becomes a deep inner anger at the suppression itself. But, lacking perspective that is gleaned thorough being in touch with the rest of their emotions, that anger is directed outward, toward women, toward other men, toward children, toward people they feel justified in hating, toward people that are convenient (those they have power over).
Grudges and bitterness are suppressed anger. Anger that was never expressed, and therefore became toxic and self-harming.
I have many grudges.
I have a lot of unexpressed anger.
Grudges hurt the person who holds them and should be released through healing and (self-)forgiveness, as soon as it is possible…. But it’s hard…. It’s very hard.
Anyone who tells you forgiveness is easy has no idea what they’re talking about. Anyone who tries to pressure or force you to forgive does not have your best interest at heart. They probably drink a lot of Christianity-gone-toxic Koolaid.
Why would they think something easy would be so potent?
Forgiveness is an internal process. And internal things are often messy and complicated and …. worth it.
Of The Heart Road