A Small Hope

I want to set something down.

I want to place it where I won’t have to hold it, but I know I will be able to find it again if I need to…

———————————————————————————————————–

I was at a round, wooden table– Set to my right, Nephthys to my left…

Loki facing me.

Calm, and gentle with purpose, he was not frightening in that moment… Well. Maybe a little… My memory is a tenacious and unforgiving survivor, crafted by pain and betrayal long before any of this.

Holding my hand, Set’s grasp was firm, steady, and warm– a lifeline– reminding me I’m safe.

“I need you to make up with him,” he said.

I whined, feeling strained. I had tried to forgive him, and myself, before, and it has played out… wrong. Was this just a cycle repeating? Was I giving in to some kind of addiction, or toxic pattern I can’t let go of? Was I about to suffer another round of uninhibited indulgence, self-loathing, shame, vicious anger, fear, and then cutting contact again?

“He has done a lot for us.” It was a tender reminder, not a demand.

I met L’s eyes. I saw something there that opened my heart a little with hope– Was it sorrow, apology, some kind of opening of his own? A fear of losing something important that made him seem small for once? I saw no malice, deception, or ill-intent. Only a tired sort of honesty and a silent plea.

In my loosening apprehension, I let out a string of fears and concerns and feelings left over from things that have happened… I blustered them out like, if I kept talking, I could stir a wind around me, between us, so truth couldn’t escape or pass through the wall of air.

Finally, I asked, “How… How are you? How do you feel…?”

Having sat back a bit from the onslaught of words, he now met my gaze with a steely, determined challenge.

“Rancid.”

At first I thought it was a response.

And then I remembered a part of me I had forgotten– I had integrated into my internal Self months ago my feelings of rage, victim-hood, and vengeance that I had dissociated during trauma. I had named this part of me, “Rancid,” once, before re-integration.

“No,” I plead suddenly. “Please no. Not her– please–”

But it was too late. I felt this part of me projecting– separating– demanding to be heard and seen– stabbing at the table with knives to rip her way out of me.

Anger. Pure anger. Protective rage. Vengeance.

She lunged at him, and he caught her, held her tightly in his arms, and BIT HER. On her exposed left shoulder, right across the neck and collar bone– he BIT HER, with a startling “CRUNCH.”

She crumbled instantly and went limp, allowing L to hand her to Set.

“WHAT DID YOU DO?!?!” I screamed, in shock.

“Bit her,” Loki said nonchalantly. “She asked for it.”

“She’s just a child!!” I argued, “And you BIT her? Is she OKAY?!”

“Yes,” Set seemed to answer for him, setting her limp form on the table, in front of me.

“I freed her from that form,” L said, sitting back in his chair.

And, indeed, I felt something change about the part of me that I had known as “Rancid.”  I saw her limp body explode with light and crumble to dust, and a blue and wild mermaid appeared out of her. She had the Aquarius symbol tattooed on her left shoulder.

In seeing her, I felt as if the part of me I had known as “Rancid,” was actually somehow a manifestation of all the traits inside me that are related to the energy of my Aquarius North Node (the position in astrology that denotes a soul “purpose” or great lesson).  Someone who could forgive him– and myself– and move forward.

The vision ended there for the night.

——————————————————————————————————————

 

Today, I sat again at the same table with Set, Nephthys, and Loki.  I still held Set’s hand in mine, but this time turned to Nephthys.

“What do you think I should do?”

“Forgive him,” she said.

She took my hand in hers and led me to hold my own, palm open, to Loki. A small heart was resting in it, not beating.

“What is it?” I asked.

“A piece of meat,” he replied.

I said I didn’t understand, so he showed me a vision-within-a-vision of himself trading places with me at the table. He held the heart to my lips, as if I should open my mouth… I started to do so, but Set and Nephthys said “No.”

The vision-within-a-vision faded, and I was holding the heart to Loki again… I slowly raised it to his mouth, and he took it inside him, swallowing it down like in the film Howl’s Moving Castle, the boy Howl swallowing a falling star…. Then, actively mimicking the film so that I would understand what was happening, he coughed the heart back up again, holding his arms close to his chest, and it was beating– more alive somehow as he caught it in his hands.

He gave it back to me, pushing it into my chest, and I felt a warmth spread through me.


 

“I want one day a year. Visitation rights.”

“A visitation privilege?” I suggested, “IF I feel up to it and consent?”

Set seemed to remind me then to be nice, and that the suspicion was not necessary.

“Sure,” He seemed to reply, “But a day when you can think of me and focus on me…. like a birthday.”

I thought about it…. I had previously designated “Loki’s Birthday” to be celebrated September 7th, a few days after Spongecake Day (a playful Lokean holiday).

“You’re… not asking for a lot,” I said slowly.  “I would have thought you would ask for more.”

“I’m trying not to scare you,” he said, “After everything that’s happened.”

“That seems fair,” I whispered.

He took my left hand in his and gently kissed it.

And then he left.


 

I know that he’s still around. Sometimes I sense or see or feel him nearby, like he’s watching my life progress. It’s just that… Whenever I focus on him, I always seem to get swept up in something drastic and go overboard in one way, or another, or another…

So, I think that I need to spend my time and energy working toward my life goals, until I have a little more stability.

Then maybe… something will change.

 

–Robin

Of The Heart Road

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