The deity abuse thing– I feel like I’m doing more coping than healing or resolving anything. Part of me doesn’t want to go back and re-analyze and relive the events that happened and the confusion therein to process it all– which is the same as what happened when I was abused in a human relationship. When the heart and mind are overwhelmed, the instinct is to numb– so that’s what I’ve been doing…
Being numb and bitter.
I haven’t even been talking to Set all that much, because I am really confused what part he has played in the whole thing. Half the time, I was convinced he was telling me to leave the situation, and at other times, I thought he was supporting it and telling me to keep going at it…
And I regret trying so hard to please them both so much, even about different things at the same time, that I ended up losing my center again.
And maybe that was part of this– that I just didn’t know who the fuck I was, what I was about, or what I was doing, so I was essentially just farting around until some bullshit happened I didn’t know how I’d gotten myself into.
And the fallout of this has led me to seek a new anchor– because It’s painfully clear to me now that I cannot base my spiritual practice, or my life around wanting someone to love me. Not him, not Set, not the Netjeru, not humans, not anyone.
So now I feel like focusing on ma’at– what had first inspired me to explore Kemeticism.
Ma’at, to me, is balance, harmony, cosmic order, social justice, righteousness, and sustainable right action that supports the life of the Netjeru and humans. Ma’at is taking care of yourself for the sake of your future, even if you don’t feel like doing it now. Ma’at is doing the right thing even if it’s hard Ma’at is knowing your limits of when to stop, rest, reconsider, or regroup. Ma’at is living in service of the present and the future you want to create.
So that’s what I’ve been doing– I’ve been taking care of myself and my future: washing dishes, taking the trash out, giving my cat his medicine, taking a shower, making long-term plans for my personal development, resisting the urge to self-destruct and start over, as I have done many times before, talking with my friends and reminding myself what good people I love and surround myself with, reading about sustainable living, and of course, a little bit of nothing at all, like watching Netflix just to rest, etc.
A part of me wonders if the whole thing– mistreatment by a deity– was intended to push me toward ma’at and my personal grounding in it, or if it was just happenstance. Gods playing games and the pieces falling where they may… No matter how many pieces the movable pieces are in themselves by the end of it.
If it was all a game or a gamble, the trickster in any case– probably would have accepted either outcome. After all, he had nothing to lose, did he?
But is that true? I guess it’s only true if he was in it for the game from the beginning– If he was lying to me the whole time. Even as friends. If the friendship before the catastrophe was never real– if he was manipulating me the entire time.
But in any case, whatever it was to him, it feels like a loss to me. Because I thought it was real.
I guess that’s the way things are.
I wish I could tie this up into a neat little bow of understanding, and “Omg, I GET it now, and it’s all been worth it!” but I don’t know how.
Transcententthrone did a small reading for me in the middle of the bullshit storm that was addressed to the trickster, asking him just what the hell, man?? And the response message was a really cold “Endurance.”
It left me feeling flat and unimpressed with the deity’s callous brush-off.
Now, weeks later, I ordered Chinese food yesterday, which came with a fortune cookie. The paper inside read, “Heroism is enduring for a moment longer.”
Enduring what?? Enduring FOR WHAT?? Gods darn it I wish gods made any sense at all.
Endure what for what?
Endure abuse for attention?
Endure abuse and heartache for strength?
Then godphone kicks in and says, “Endure not knowing for your ultimate satisfaction.”
Of The Heart Road