I want to sort through some of my feelings here.
I’m having a really difficult time with my personal values and identity right now.
I really thought I would be writing about astral stuff here… But really what is the point, unless I’m trying to impress someone, or get them to sign off on my experiences?
And I’ve already talked to two knowledgeable people about the specifics, so… The worst of it is over and it’s really hard to want to dredge that stuff up again. Especially when it was so hard on my… AND my gods…
Things did not go prettily, and I am ashamed of myself for that. No matter how confused I was… I had so much fear and so much crap inside me, I didn’t even want to stop and think clearly.
In fact, some of this started because I didn’t want to think.
So I guess I am willing to talk about some of it. Because I guess I need to.
The goddess I’m connected to, or a “shard” of, or whatever, Nephthys… woke up out of my heart in some capacity after Wep Ronpet. Anubis had done something to repair? her heart? for me? for her? And then it was ready, I guess, and waiting for me to do something…
So I went swimming in a great, unconscious astral sea one day and went looking for the “secret” I had supposedly incarnated to find… And it was in the shape of a diamond wedding ring. The moment I touched it, I recoiled and had this sense that it was “cursed,” or at least highly unpleasant….
And then the solar eclipse happened. I watched the NASA livestream of it at the various total eclipse points… As the moon passed completely in front of the sun, then the first bits of light began to peek out from the side afterward– they called the phenomenon the “diamond ring.” I knew then I was in trouble. I didn’t know what energetic power this eclipse held, but I felt then it was charging something in relation to this astral wedding ring. By coincidence, because it was on my mind, or by some bizarre synchronicity– who knows.
But then, days later, I was astral-visioning, Nephthys came to consciousness in my astral home… I watched as if through her vision, or sometimes as if beside her– sometimes feeling as if I was making decisions and having feelings with her, and sometimes as if we were separate…
She took the diamond wedding ring out of her subconscious mind, wherever it was in storage, and put it under a microscope, so I could clearly see it was bound together with the words “free will.”
Then, she broke it. She released the bonds and it came apart.
Set was there next. He gave her back something precious of hers. And she told him she was alive again, now. He was glad.
They exchanged tender words I don’t want to repeat.
It was a loss of sorts, of a bond– but a bond that came at far too high a price. And I assume that she had paid it, as the bond was made with her literal “free will.” That was the secret she had figured out– that her free will was never sacrificed, and she could release the bond at any time, because it was HERS…
Now I gather they are free of this old or past-life bond. They are free to renegotiate what kind of relationships they want to have. One that doesn’t abuse either of them or come at the expense of either of their happiness or freedom or love.
After talking with Set for a while, Nephthys started cleaning her– which was my– astral home of old books, files, and memory stores… Throwing away and clearing out any old energies she didn’t want. At once point I, as my human self, asked her if she should keep any of those old memories– she said, “No,” and continued erasing them.
I was a little disappointed because I still don’t know any of the lifetimes or the memories she got rid of… But I gather from previous divinations I’ve had that this is all part of the plan for my (or her??) soul. The plan is to erase and clear old “karmic” or soul energies, to progress onward into higher dimensions or w/e… (It also reminds me of the preparations for the scales of ma’at, where the heart should be the lightest possible…)
One of the things she erased was seemingly an old oath or a desire to kill Set… Which would explain the rage with which she attacked him when I first woke up in the astral as her… (That whole encounter is hilarious in hindsight, but it was frightening then.)
It’s been pretty obvious from my point of view that Set seems to have made a lot of progress in healing and moving on and growing, and … at least the parts that I contain of her, have been stuck in the past… “Dead,” at least metaphorically. Bogged down by pain or trauma. I don’t know if that’s true of all of her, though.
But this whole time he has been working with me at least in part to revive her.
I think it’s for a lot more than simply a sense of responsibility… He clearly had a lot of feelings for her. And she for him.
Old history, I guess.
But after she woke up, my life hasn’t gotten any simpler. Or more “enlightened…” In fact, she hasn’t really talked to me. And I can’t access her memories as far as I know. I think I’m actively not supposed to. Maybe it would explode my brain or something…
I just get vague hints and summaries of context sometimes– at best.
I gather that she’s staying up in her room most of the time, recharging. Maybe more cleaning. Maybe she has visitors sometimes. Idk. I feel like my astral home isn’t my home anymore, because every time I go up there, I have to share part of her brain and that’s weird… Like I’m just an unintegrated tag-a-long.
She did come when I asked her to negotiate for me on behalf of things I didn’t understand that happened with Set and Loki… But that was a whole other thing…
Her personality is different than mine.
And sometimes I wonder if she … are we even like each other? Do we even like each other?
What does it matter, right? What can I do about it…
But because of that, I’m having an identity crisis…
I feel a little like a useless, disposable incubator of sorts for her heart…
But Set has said that he loves me– human me– so that helps.
On top of that, the thing that happened with Loki—
That’s what I don’t really want to talk about.
That’s what had me fucked up and sleeping for two and a half days straight, and losing my sense of self and my dignity and my sense of autonomy and my sense of hope and reality, for a bit..
That shit really fucking hurt.
I wonder how much of it was real and how much of it was a misunderstanding and how much of it was a game to him.
And I don’t know. He says he likes me. I like him. At least… I like parts of him…
But this thing that happened was really hard. It was really hard on everyone. Set did a lot of damage control to keep the shit mountain from erupting further… And he did a lot of it despite my ungratefulness. Despite my disregard for his feelings though a lot of it. Despite my complete stupidity…
I thought I had mostly forgiven Loki for his parts in it… but I still don’t truly trust him.
And I haven’t forgiven myself of mine.
It really sucks.
I want this to get better.
I don’t know. Maybe it will just take time.
Maybe my re-triggered trauma will prevent healing anytime soon.
I don’t know.
And right now I just look around me– at my past actions, at my behaviors, at my beliefs, at my sense of who I was, at my values, and I wonder if any of those things are true of who I want to be anymore.
Where do I go from here?
Loki told me this year that I am “halfway there” to the end of my life… Which means, if I interpreted correctly, that I guess I’ll die at 54 years old… So. Half my life? And what has it led me to?
I crushed my sense of faith in myself and my power to do anything, and in a god I think I might love regardless of whether it’s going to be good for me, and made a god I do love disappointed in me because I dragged him through shit and made him clean up the mess… and I’m not sure how my own heart even works.
And all this because I wanted sex and love with gods. And I wanted to be special. And I wanted to have some kind of special fucking purpose in life.
I feel like a failure.
I’m just not who I thought I could be.
I wasn’t honest with myself.
I’m honestly not sure I even know how to be.
of The Heart Road