Depression and Doubt

[TW: depression, suicidal ideation, BPD stigma]

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[Image: Tarot cards Interference, Peace, and Prince of Wands reversed, from the Rosetta Tarot by M.M. Meleen. The cartouche card above them spells Set’s name in hieroglyphs: S-T-H, followed by the sha animal.]

I’ve been having horrible depression ever since the second week of the month. It’s worn me down– further than I’ve been since going on medication.  I’ve not been keeping up with my daily chores. I’ve been sleeping later and later again. Also, my suicidal ideation has come back.

Godphone has been less reliable, because my primary sense to verify what I’m “hearing” or “seeing” is my intuitive feeling sense– and that’s been all blocked up and numb because of the depression. My heart isn’t feeling the passion or the love right now that always reassures me that my intuitions are accurate.

It’s lead to some really difficult abandonment anxiety. I had a dream that Set broke up with me because I was “boring,” and I woke up with the fear that it was true….

–Despite asking for confirmation in the same dream and receiving three encouraging poster-sized letters saying he still loved me.

–Despite the realization that if the dream was real, then this whole time, and after everything he’s told me, he would have had to have been, not just an ass (which he is), but some unusual kind of cruel, callous, and lying bastard. Which, in my experience, is not the case.

–Despite him still being around, hugging me, cuddling me, saying he cares about me, and even being sexually intimate with me…

–Despite every piece of evidence that I’ve had that he still cares about me and this worry is just depression.

I STILL have been fretting about this for nearly a month, and thinking that the only reason he’s still hanging around is out of some kind of guilt because I must be “manipulating” him…. (Internalized BPD / C-PTSD stigma dies hard…)

But well…

He’s still here.

This evening, I was watching The Great British Baking Show, and came to the awareness of him sitting beside me on the couch.  He touched my back, and then said,

“Listen. If someone loves you, they love you even if you’re having a bad time…. And if I had dumped you for being boring, you would have deserved someone better anyway.”

I started to cry and laid my head on his lap.

So. I guess the point of this story is…

Sometimes it’s just depression.

 

–Robin

of the Heart Road

 

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