[TW: sex, god sex, relationship abuse mention, cheating, not explicit]
I’ve been in a sexual relationship with Set for a while now. It started after a year and a half of healing from a toxic (human) relationship which heavily affected my feelings, ideas, and internal beliefs about sex…
When Set showed up (again, after a long break) with the most attractive energy I’d ever felt like DAMN, and said I should date him, I was like HELL YES, OKAY.
I had a lot of mental and emotional blocks at first, but I feel like I’m warming up to the idea that sex doesn’t always have to be difficult. Especially with him, I feel safer, more relaxed, more free to try things, learn and explore… To have fun. To love.
There’s still moments that I feel like there’s no way I could deserve a healthy and functional love or sexual life… In those moments I retreat back to my self-protections… But I do feel like I’m getting somewhere overall.
He’s a very sexual deity. It helps me feel like sex is okay. Not shameful. Not always something that hurts or hurts others. Something that can be really fun, exciting, spontaneous–! Something you can share with others as an expression of who you are, interacting with them and learning who they are!
He’s even introduced me to other deities and people up there, in a sexual context. It’s… not what would have expected or asked for on my own, but… It’s been a step out of my comfort zone, and it’s been kind of nice!
Jealousy has cropped up occasionally, triggered by things that remind me of past abuse… (In the toxic human relationship I mentioned, my ex cheated on me within a polyamorous context.) So, sometimes, knowing he’s the polyamorous, sexual person he is and I love him for… I wince sometimes when I feel that old heart injury acting up. C-PTSD stirs and abandonment anxiety kicks in… “Is he going to leave me explicitly for someone else just like she did?” “Is he having better sex with someone else?” “Is the sex we have disappointing?” “Am I disappointing?” “Are my trauma triggers annoying?” “Is my insecurity annoying?” “Do I x, y, z enough to satisfy him…” Etc.
In all fairness, he has always responded in love and understanding. He’s listened and we’ve talked about it and we’ve worked through solutions… I’ve even come to realize that reassurance isn’t always what I want, when I start to have those thoughts (and I certainly don’t want to change or restrict him…)– what I want is GREAT SEX, and a SATISFYING SEXUAL LIFE. Jealousy then tells me that something is out of balance– and sometimes that thing is my own fear that I “can’t” or “won’t” ever have good sex without him.
One of the perspectives he’s brought me to/reminded me of– is that great sex doesn’t have to be attached or associated with just one person. I don’t have to look to him every time I want sex– even if we’re in some kind of relationship… He isn’t sex to me, he’s himself. And sex with him is sex with him. And that in itself makes it special– regardless of whoever else we have sex with, or how often.
So, again, when he’s brought other people, and when I’ve had sex with incorporeal beings without him around, sex with other individuals has been a really enlightening thing for me… As a clairsentient, feeling other deities’ and incorporeal people’s energies, and feeling the differences in dynamics between me with one person and me with another…
It gives me courage that maybe things like sex, connection, intimacy, and love can be found everywhere. That there’s as many different ways to love and have sex as there are people– and probably more!
It makes me think that sex and love are a lot easier than we sometimes make them out to be, if we open our hearts and step out of our own way.
of The Heart Road
[P.S : a conversation]
Me: “I hope you have all the sex you want! Great sex! Only the best sex! …Well, I mean if you want shitty sex, you can have that, too, I suppose. I mean, you and I both eat Cheetos, so you know I know the feel of just wanting something terrible (*he laughs at me*), so have bad sex if you want to, but also have great sex! Stupendous sex! ALL THE SEX!”
Set: “Hell yes.” *bumps fists with me, while smiling*
Me: “And I will try— !” *braces myself* “I– WILL TRY– TO HAVE THE GREAT SEX AS WELL.”
Set: *laughing, kisses my cheek* “I love you.”