Autonomy

“Okay Robin, What makes you Happy?” I asked myself, probably sitting at a coffee shop much like this one, with my pen poised over my “Self-Love Workbook” /Planner and spending too much on coffee to stay awake.  The problem was, as someone with long-time depression, trauma, ETC, it was a much harder question to answer than I first hoped.

Okay then– if “happiness” isn’t working for me– or at least isn’t something I can conceptualize at this moment– what else is there?

Coming home to a dirty apartment for the last time, I got sick of it.  I cleaned all the messiest (still unpacked) boxes and unintended storage spaces I could while my cat ran in a perturbed confusion around the living room.

Laying in bed, I felt the presence of that one trickster god again– the one I had recently told to go away– of no further impetus of his own, but because I remembered or un-buried some trauma attached to a thing he did and has long since apologized for…

Sitting at the end of my bed, he waited for me to send him away.

I didn’t.  Instead I said, “I’m afraid of you.”   Quietly, he responded.

“I’m sorry I broke your trust.”

“I know,” I said, “Some part of me is afraid of you… and some part of me that isn’t afraid of you loves you.”

“Do you know what part of you isn’t afraid of me?” he asked.

I reached inside for an answer: A pure, bright, light part of me. A small star inside me, shining heat-less and calm.

A part of me I imagined in astral vision as if it was Baldur… Or a connection to Source. A connection to the eternal, ethereal force of complete acceptance.

“I love that part of you, too.”


Hitting two balls of thin, soft yarn together animatedly with my hands, I chattered in a room full of lazy, tired queer boys lounging in overlapping sprawls.

To my credit– I was invited.

“I want to connect with feminine queer culture– feminist punk and anarchist sustainability and care work of femmes– by femmes– for femmes!” I said.

“…. And I want to go on testosterone to affirm my nonbinary gender– and to fuck the gender binary– and to feel in my body the Temperance and mixture and complete wholeness of gendered concept I feel in my heart! The softness and strength– the ferocity and the gentleness, the power and the carefulness, the love and the … LOVE. The love of myself and the love of all others–!!

“…. Do you think queer women will want to date me if I do that??”

Rolling his eyes, my friend exhaled an exasperated, “Robin…. YES.”

“Oh…” I said, slowly starting to realize it was me holding myself back the whole time…

“Queer women are pretty smart. You know, as a general rule,” one of the other boys chimed in, not looking up from his phone.

“…okay.”

My friend, actually far more supportive than annoyed with me gave me his best facial approximation of  “You are valid,” and returned his sleepy attention to the boy closest to him as the conversation shifted.

….

See– what I’ve taken form these moments is that– I need to be fully myself, without fear, in order for the happiness to appear. SO if the happiness isn’t getting through, I have to ask myself,

“How can I create more autonomy in my actions– and confidence in myself to perform those actions– to create my life the way I want it?”
Also.

“What am I afraid of? And is it worth losing sight of myself to be safe (but fearful) in the known? Or can I peel back the masks that are keeping me from catching a glimpse of my own desire? My own true self?”

This is an ongoing process.

— Robin
Of The Heart Road

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D is for Discord, and Depression

As some of you may know, until recently, I ran a kemetic pagan Discord server, primarily serving kemetic pagans on tumblr.

Overall, I think my time doing it went okay. People had interesting and fun conversations there. Even the Epagomenal Days and Wep Ronpet celebrations and contests had more participation than I expected.

But when it came down to it, I really am too fucking tired to do any of it. I was from the beginning. I tried to create kemetic community out of desperation for connection, while I floundered in the full-time work hours that were (and, though reduced, still are) slowly killing me body and soul.

I just can’t do it anymore.

So, wanting to preserve the opportunity for kemetic pagan users to continue having a good time and getting into discussions, I gave ownership and responsibility over to someone who had helped me moderate since the Epagomenal Days began. Someone I don’t even particularly LIKE, nor AGREE with in his ideas for community and methods. He just happens to be the one with the most experience moderating anything AND with enough energy (apparently) to keep the discord running at all. So, that’s that.  Being optimistic, hopefully he will actually make something good out of it. But it has nothing to do with me anymore.

I’m not even participating in the discord as a regular user anymore, because

  1. I realized that discord and chasing internet connections was taking up too much of my time, when I found that spending time with in-person friends was far more supportive of my mental and emotional health. (I’m not dissing internet relationships. I also realize that in-person friendships are not an option for everyone.)
  2. I’m not interested in interacting with the new owner of the discord any more than is absolutely necessary, because as I said before– He and I don’t exactly see eye-to-eye.
  3. It’s really fucking heart-breaking to have to abandon something you put your heart into because you are just fucking OUT OF SPOONS as a disabled, mentally ill, low-income, Autistic person living under capitalism.  And to find that the ideals you have and the values you have aren’t mutually held by society enough to be sustainable.

So– Depression. That grey fog that sticks to your organs and churns out, at best, apathy, and at worst, crushing debilitating suicidal ideation.

I’ve been here enough years, you’d think that my brain would figure out better, more empowering solutions to depression than “I just need more MONEY, ” and “What if every horrible politician just suddenly, MAGICALLY, DIED?? (Oh please gods, please!)…”

Well, actually… It HAS, but I’m not in a good enough mood to remember them, lol. Which is always the problem at this part of the depression cycle. At least in this stage, I can remember that there ARE better, more helpful things that come after this cruddy slog.

I’m trying to jump-start that process by (ironically) catching up with current events, but through digestible mediums such as The Daily Show and Last Week Tonight segments.

Sometimes accepting that you’re in the muck and that you’re going to eventually run out of muck the best you can fucking do.
And that’s okay.

-Robin
Of The Heart Road

Fragmentation, Bonds, and Soul Relationships

A couple weeks ago, my friends E and B were helping me move across town and haul boxes. B rode with me because E’s car was full with furniture, and we got to talking about our recent spiritual experiences…

B told me about reconnecting with their spiritual foundations by reviewing original texts and starting a new creative project for themself referencing those texts. I described some of my spiritual relationships. I told them how I’ve been really interested in cosmology (spirit-universe structure), interpersonal relationships of all kinds, and how degrees and layers of unity and separation create personal and interpersonal identity. After hearing this, B said,

“It makes sense that you would be interested in that, because it sounds like you’ve spent a lot of your life sort of fragmented.”

Maybe it’s odd that this assessment startled me– I’ve been very open with my friends and even online about my complex ptsd, personality disorder, neurodiversity and my experiences of under-supported, and under-developed identity. I guess it had just not occurred to me to frame it that specific way as a motive. My personal development and interests, as the person experiencing them, simply feel natural to me.  However, it’s probably accurate.

Synchronistically, I’m listening to The Adventure Zone, by Griffin, Travis, Clint, and Justin McElroy, and the “The Stolen Century” episode in which (I’ll try to avoid spoilers) an important narrative device is explained to be powered by bonds… And I realized that this is another way of describing relationships– relationships of love, power, friendship, social obligation, oppression, solidarity, etc. — but also systems of internal mental and emotional workings.

I’ve asked Set and Loki before about soul bonds and spiritual relationships– “twin souls” and soul mates. Each has tried to explain to me, but still to no real concrete understanding on my part. Maybe this is because my desire for understanding fixates on having some sort of diagram laid out in front of me, to sooth my ego’s self-doubts of the information I am receiving.

I gather that Set and Nephthys are “twin souls,” and through my connection with her, I also have a connection to Set in this way (as does at least one other incarnated shard of Nephthys I’ve encountered). But as for what twin souls are, it appears to me a consciousness that splits apart at some diverging point in order to experience a contrast in itself as another person. This divergence contrasts almost to the point of dualism, and co-mirroring sort of relationship, but each soul retains the core essence of the original soul. It is merely their paths of inherited learning, experience, and karmic trace paths that are different. These karmic trace paths also mirror each other in order to bring the twin souls back together at important intervals in their development….

At the end of their period of learning as separate beings, the souls re-align and merge again… And for this path, this “mirroring/merging” energy is highly charged in all aspects of this kind of relationship (which, I guess, might be why in human relationships, these bonds can end in codependency, violent separation, and each triggering the other into soul-searching and transformation).

I sense that the karmic exchanges and bonds between soul mates have a higher degree of variance and mirror only in parts– with a further degree of separation, as if they meet, not at half moon intersections, but diagonally, at corners of their soul paths… These relationships are not necessarily marked by the passionate yearning to “merge” as the twin soul relationships seem, to me, to be. However, they can be supportive, close, challenging, and take many forms from professional to romantic or platonic.

I also gather that, if more than one shard of a being, or soul, is incarnated into a human being (more common than you might think), that human person can have more than one set of twin souls and soul mates.  (Yes, multiple twin souls!)

Anyway, these are my thoughts lately. Sorry I don’t have the time or energy to polish them up a bit more for you, but I’ve been busy with two job changes, being sick, and a move. Also, I have another long post I’m working on for you and I don’t want to leave a lot of unfinished and backed-up posts in my drafts.

So I hope you enjoyed this. I’ll write again soon.

-Robin

Of The Heart Road

Set Channeling 3/4/2018

Hello Everyone! I have something exciting for you today!

Below is an an exclusive link to my brief channeling of Set, for anyone who is a follower or devotee of Set!

I have channeled Set before, once on video and several times in written form. Overall, when I speak of “channeling,”  I mean it as an umbrella term to include what many tumblr pagans and kemetics call “godphone,” which I interpret as a form of natural, casual channeling while in a conscious state. Godphone usually requires me to interpret and translate telepathic and empathic feelings, images, or impressions that are sometimes complicated or vague.

The channeling in the video, however, is done in a more relaxed and purposeful state so that he could choose exact words to say.  You could say that, if godphone and trance-channeling (where you leave your body and allow another being to come in completely) were on either end of a spectrum– godphone being informal and unfocused, and trance channeling being formal and highly focused– the channeling in this video might be somewhere in the middle. I am still in my body and conscious, but I am also more focused and relaxed, so the message is clearer, and he is able to project exact words into my consciousness, and even control my body movements to some extent. [Don’t worry- this kind of channeling is completely consensual at all times.]

As you will see, he loves his followers very much and has such joy in inspiring them! Please forgive my confusion at the end of the video, because I had thought he would say more. XD

-Robin
Of The Heart Road

God Consortship, My Relationships, and Unconditional Love (Video)

Hello everyone,

I have been writing some posts that are in the works. However, since they are longer posts, and I’m trying to write them well, they are taking some time.

In the meantime, please enjoy my most recent video about god consortship and my relationships with Set and Loki! Included topics are multi-dimensional selves, unconditional love and trauma healing!

Sincerely,

Robin

Of the Heart Road

 

Of True Selves, Of Searching, and Of Loving

Hello, everyone.

I’m in a really rough transition stage right now. At the beginning of January, the Netjeru gave me a self-channeled assignment for 2018 that I’m following through on as best as I know how.

Most of it is about finding my True Self, and what my Divine Will, or “Purpose,” or expression of “me at my best” is…  And so I’m in a state of change– which is technically always true but feels more relevant now, at least in my experiences this year so far, than in previous years.

Set still loves me and I love him dearly… However, partly for my sake and partly for his (which, in the realms of unity and oneness that I’ve been experiencing lately, I wonder what “for my sake” or “for his sake” matters when it may just as well be… just the way that things cycle around sometimes for the sake of all that is…), he has been taking a step back from my spiritual guidance, assistance, and exploration, at least on a conscious level for my human self… I guess I’m also healing in a lot of ways emotionally and about love and about sex that I… Even when he is around and offering to spend time with me, I feel off somehow– like I’m still trying to figure out again how to exist and self-actualize, and who I am….

It feels difficult to love earnestly, from the core of me, and to lean in gently to accept and love the whole of him… when I don’t quite know who I am yet…

It becomes uncomfortable somehow. Like I’m going through some set of motions that I expect to have to go through…  But he says I don’t have to “perform” for him.

And then I wonder how much of my personality IS a performance– and built on performance– from pretending all my life to be someone I wasn’t, to secure the conditional love of my parents and the others around me, influencing my life in such ways that I felt helpless if I didn’t appease them…

When he tells me I don’t have to perform, I…

I wonder who I am and who I can be–

Who I really am… Who  “I AM.”

What is my Source connection?

What is my Mission on Earth, in a human incarnation?

What IS the purpose of my being alive here, like this, as a human, in the illusion of separation…?

What do I most want to create?

What does that reflect in me?

That’s what I’m trying to figure out.

On a night I had a “last-straw-” bad shift at work, just before quitting, I accidentally ended up channeling my soul self– or “higher self…” …. One of them… One of the levels… Maybe it was my Source connection– I don’t know. But I channeled a ME that loved me so unconditionally, and so tenderly… I asked them, “Why did I incarnate into a human body? Why did I CHOOSE this– when I feel so much suffering? I hurt so much… WHY?

They held me gently in their arms, in the deepest peace, and whispered into my left ear as they cradled me, “Do you want to know a secret…?”  And when I grew still enough for them to continue, they said,

“I came to this Earth to love you…”

With that softest of admissions, it was like someone had attached a vacuum to my heart and hit the “catharsis” button to suck out all my feelings left yet uncried– and I WAILED.

I WAILED with the force of twenty-eight years of feeling unloved and unloveable. It was like this version of me had just– uncorked that deepest place of hurt in my pre-memory child-self to drain it all at once– I HOWLED and KEENED in the force of the release that burst up from my “root” energy center, through my heart center and out my throat.

After that night, I have been looking in the mirror every day and telling myself, “I love you,” and allowing myself to FEEL it– both the giving AND the receiving of my own love.

It feels wonderful.

Luckily, on the emotions front– I have a new therapist, whom I intend to discuss these things with– including my desire to feel valued, which I believe connects to the desire to know my True Self and Purpose(s) better.

 

IMG_20180202_214015079IMG_20180202_214023152

In the general life front, I have been distracted with job and household changes that came to a head between the New Moon on January 16th and the second Full Moon on January 31st, with the help on an intentional magical working on my part.

Even so, I have still managed to make some YouTube videos on my channel, if you are interested in checking those out!

Thank you all for reading! Hope you all are having a good 2018!

Sincerely,

 

–Robin

Of The Heart Road

 

 

 

 

Kemetic Deity Exchange 2017: Devotional Activity for Heru Wer

 

Hello, Everyone!

In November ( I believe), I entered the drawing for @anaputuwet’s Kemetic Deity Exchange 2017 (#kde2k17 on tumblr).  The original post for the Kemetic Deity Exchange can be found here.  The devotional task @anaputuwet assigned to me was @taqerisenu’s request for either art or devotional writing for Heru Wer (Horus the Elder, brother of Osiris)!

In preparation, I tried to download, print, and read some scholarly articles about Heru Wer, but I mostly found articles about Heru-Sa-Aset (Horus the Younger, Son of Aset and Osiris)…

That got me wondering about the similarities and differences between Heru Wer, Heru-Sa-Aset, and Horakhty (“Horus on the Horizon,” or Horus-Re)– but unfortunately, I haven’t had the time or the conscious focus to investigate further.

Devotee of Heru Wer, @theartofwingingit, on tumblr informed me that there really aren’t a lot of Heru Wer articles out there, but suggested I read about the Myth of Horus at Edfu. I’ve not done that yet either… :/

However, I did have some thoughts about Heru Wer in December.

During the winter holiday break, I watched The 100 series with Set. In the middle of the first season I realized, with the main characters– Clarke and Bellamy–‘s repetition of the words, “leadership,” “hard decisions,” and “war,” that the themes of the show seemed to align, perhaps, with some of the lessons of Heru Wer– those of a general, a leader in war…

Clarke and Bellamy are repeatedly forced to make hard and horrible decisions for the sake of the 100 children and teenagers sent to the surface of a post-nuclear-apocalyptic Earth from their 100-year-old space station, The Ark. These children and teens are not soldiers– but are forced to become soldiers in the hostile environment of an unexpectedly still-inhabited Earth.

Many of the decisions that Bellamy and Clarke have to make leave them, and the viewer, horrified at the consequences of a seemingly no-win situation. Bellamy’s justifying reminder to Clarke for his own decisions near the end of Season One is, “This is war… This Is War.”

Even the reference to a war that went out of control, resulting in nuclear apocalypse, is a narrative warning against the consequences of war.  (TLDR: “Don’t Do It. It Sucks.”)

I started watching the show for the women-loving-women arc, with Lexa (the leader of the “grounders,” who still inhabit the Earth) and Clarke, in Season Two.  There WAS a kiss between them, which was really nice to see…

However, at the end of Season Two, the show disappointingly played out the “tragic lesbians” trope. At the end of Season Two, Lexa betrays Clarke, and all of the people formerly of The Arc, for the sake of what Lexa considers the “smart” leadership decision…

“I decided with my head, not with my heart,” Lexa says to Clarke, when the truth comes to light…

This plot twist, and much of the story before that point, have me thinking about how it’s a mistake to think only with your head. Even in situations of war and terrible consequences….

Abby (Clarke’s mother) is, to me, acting as the major moral compass of the show… She says in multiple situations that, more than wanting the human race to survive, she wants to make sure they “deserve to survive,” i.e. by upholding the ideals of compassion, common goals, the sanctity of human life, etc.

Now, granted her viewpoint conflates the morality and, therefore value, of the entire human race with the specific decisions of the few in power on the space station, The Arc… but the point still stands– her values of caring and doing what, in her heart, is right, is more important to her than pure, cold-minded survival.

….

Anyway, what has this got to do with Heru Wer?

 

Maybe nothing.

However, if I were to go out on a limb– I could guess that the largest takeaway, in the vein of the wisdom of Heru Wer could be about the brutality and consequences of fighting to live when there aren’t enough resources to go around…

In the following paragraphs, I believe Heru Wer assists me in understanding his perspective of things, in a lens or language that my Higher Self understands… I have edited some of the wording to flow better in structure, and as usual when using “godphone,” or attempting to casually channel gods, I have had to “translate” some of the messages into English from visual or spatial though-forms. However, I have tried to leave the integrity of the message as intact as possible.

….

(Unverified Personal Gnosis beyond this point, so take anything written with a grain of salt.)

“In a third-dimensional reality, there is an illusion of scarcity that tests the soul to its limits of experience.

“In a perfect world, in the realms of the infinite flow of Source, people have the ability to act perfectly– in alignment with the values of the greater natural laws (of prosperity, peace, and wisdom, love, and communion with Oneness)…

“However, within a mind-construction of lack, and of the desire of bodily survival– much of that can become necessarily thrown by the wayside for the sake of life itself– if that is your ultimate goal.

“It is the animal self that instinctually protects the body with absolute, cut-throat viciousness in the apparent absence of Source wisdom and flow. The human mind is its ally. If you are ever tested the way of war and extreme lack (May None of Us Ever Be), you will start to see that de-evolution of the human self back to those animalistic tendencies… And that is a lot of what plagues many of us even today– that survival mode of “fight, flight, or freeze.”

“The instinct of the mind to prioritize survival is buried so far down in the subconscious that to even begin releasing that inborn fear will take time and concentration… But that process is a neccessary step in the spiritual evolution of the soul– to move onward to higher dimensions of consciousness.

“So, for your consideration:

“In situations of fight or flight, how do you react? Do you have the ability to stop for a moment and react consciously– with the “Wise Mind,” of the harmony between the Logic and the Heart and the Soul?  Or do you react with anger, desperation, and fear?

“Your Wise Mind is what will tell you what to do in those “unwinnable” situations that– with blessings– May You Never Encounter.”

— “This has Been Heru The Greater , in contribution and collaboration with the Higher Mind of Robin, and the Effervescent Soul of Nephthys, in community with the gods of the Earth and the higher Wisdom of Source. May it flow as continuously as the Earthly source of the River Nile. [“End Punctuation.”]”

 

Thank you all for reading, and have a wonderful year in 2018!

–Robin

Of The Heart Road