Of True Selves, Of Searching, and Of Loving

Hello, everyone.

I’m in a really rough transition stage right now. At the beginning of January, the Netjeru gave me a self-channeled assignment for 2018 that I’m following through on as best as I know how.

Most of it is about finding my True Self, and what my Divine Will, or “Purpose,” or expression of “me at my best” is…  And so I’m in a state of change– which is technically always true but feels more relevant now, at least in my experiences this year so far, than in previous years.

Set still loves me and I love him dearly… However, partly for my sake and partly for his (which, in the realms of unity and oneness that I’ve been experiencing lately, I wonder what “for my sake” or “for his sake” matters when it may just as well be… just the way that things cycle around sometimes for the sake of all that is…), he has been taking a step back from my spiritual guidance, assistance, and exploration, at least on a conscious level for my human self… I guess I’m also healing in a lot of ways emotionally and about love and about sex that I… Even when he is around and offering to spend time with me, I feel off somehow– like I’m still trying to figure out again how to exist and self-actualize, and who I am….

It feels difficult to love earnestly, from the core of me, and to lean in gently to accept and love the whole of him… when I don’t quite know who I am yet…

It becomes uncomfortable somehow. Like I’m going through some set of motions that I expect to have to go through…  But he says I don’t have to “perform” for him.

And then I wonder how much of my personality IS a performance– and built on performance– from pretending all my life to be someone I wasn’t, to secure the conditional love of my parents and the others around me, influencing my life in such ways that I felt helpless if I didn’t appease them…

When he tells me I don’t have to perform, I…

I wonder who I am and who I can be–

Who I really am… Who  “I AM.”

What is my Source connection?

What is my Mission on Earth, in a human incarnation?

What IS the purpose of my being alive here, like this, as a human, in the illusion of separation…?

What do I most want to create?

What does that reflect in me?

That’s what I’m trying to figure out.

On a night I had a “last-straw-” bad shift at work, just before quitting, I accidentally ended up channeling my soul self– or “higher self…” …. One of them… One of the levels… Maybe it was my Source connection– I don’t know. But I channeled a ME that loved me so unconditionally, and so tenderly… I asked them, “Why did I incarnate into a human body? Why did I CHOOSE this– when I feel so much suffering? I hurt so much… WHY?

They held me gently in their arms, in the deepest peace, and whispered into my left ear as they cradled me, “Do you want to know a secret…?”  And when I grew still enough for them to continue, they said,

“I came to this Earth to love you…”

With that softest of admissions, it was like someone had attached a vacuum to my heart and hit the “catharsis” button to suck out all my feelings left yet uncried– and I WAILED.

I WAILED with the force of twenty-eight years of feeling unloved and unloveable. It was like this version of me had just– uncorked that deepest place of hurt in my pre-memory child-self to drain it all at once– I HOWLED and KEENED in the force of the release that burst up from my “root” energy center, through my heart center and out my throat.

After that night, I have been looking in the mirror every day and telling myself, “I love you,” and allowing myself to FEEL it– both the giving AND the receiving of my own love.

It feels wonderful.

Luckily, on the emotions front– I have a new therapist, whom I intend to discuss these things with– including my desire to feel valued, which I believe connects to the desire to know my True Self and Purpose(s) better.

 

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In the general life front, I have been distracted with job and household changes that came to a head between the New Moon on January 16th and the second Full Moon on January 31st, with the help on an intentional magical working on my part.

Even so, I have still managed to make some YouTube videos on my channel, if you are interested in checking those out!

Thank you all for reading! Hope you all are having a good 2018!

Sincerely,

 

–Robin

Of The Heart Road

 

 

 

 

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Kemetic Deity Exchange 2017: Devotional Activity for Heru Wer

 

Hello, Everyone!

In November ( I believe), I entered the drawing for @anaputuwet’s Kemetic Deity Exchange 2017 (#kde2k17 on tumblr).  The original post for the Kemetic Deity Exchange can be found here.  The devotional task @anaputuwet assigned to me was @taqerisenu’s request for either art or devotional writing for Heru Wer (Horus the Elder, brother of Osiris)!

In preparation, I tried to download, print, and read some scholarly articles about Heru Wer, but I mostly found articles about Heru-Sa-Aset (Horus the Younger, Son of Aset and Osiris)…

That got me wondering about the similarities and differences between Heru Wer, Heru-Sa-Aset, and Horakhty (“Horus on the Horizon,” or Horus-Re)– but unfortunately, I haven’t had the time or the conscious focus to investigate further.

Devotee of Heru Wer, @theartofwingingit, on tumblr informed me that there really aren’t a lot of Heru Wer articles out there, but suggested I read about the Myth of Horus at Edfu. I’ve not done that yet either… :/

However, I did have some thoughts about Heru Wer in December.

During the winter holiday break, I watched The 100 series with Set. In the middle of the first season I realized, with the main characters– Clarke and Bellamy–‘s repetition of the words, “leadership,” “hard decisions,” and “war,” that the themes of the show seemed to align, perhaps, with some of the lessons of Heru Wer– those of a general, a leader in war…

Clarke and Bellamy are repeatedly forced to make hard and horrible decisions for the sake of the 100 children and teenagers sent to the surface of a post-nuclear-apocalyptic Earth from their 100-year-old space station, The Ark. These children and teens are not soldiers– but are forced to become soldiers in the hostile environment of an unexpectedly still-inhabited Earth.

Many of the decisions that Bellamy and Clarke have to make leave them, and the viewer, horrified at the consequences of a seemingly no-win situation. Bellamy’s justifying reminder to Clarke for his own decisions near the end of Season One is, “This is war… This Is War.”

Even the reference to a war that went out of control, resulting in nuclear apocalypse, is a narrative warning against the consequences of war.  (TLDR: “Don’t Do It. It Sucks.”)

I started watching the show for the women-loving-women arc, with Lexa (the leader of the “grounders,” who still inhabit the Earth) and Clarke, in Season Two.  There WAS a kiss between them, which was really nice to see…

However, at the end of Season Two, the show disappointingly played out the “tragic lesbians” trope. At the end of Season Two, Lexa betrays Clarke, and all of the people formerly of The Arc, for the sake of what Lexa considers the “smart” leadership decision…

“I decided with my head, not with my heart,” Lexa says to Clarke, when the truth comes to light…

This plot twist, and much of the story before that point, have me thinking about how it’s a mistake to think only with your head. Even in situations of war and terrible consequences….

Abby (Clarke’s mother) is, to me, acting as the major moral compass of the show… She says in multiple situations that, more than wanting the human race to survive, she wants to make sure they “deserve to survive,” i.e. by upholding the ideals of compassion, common goals, the sanctity of human life, etc.

Now, granted her viewpoint conflates the morality and, therefore value, of the entire human race with the specific decisions of the few in power on the space station, The Arc… but the point still stands– her values of caring and doing what, in her heart, is right, is more important to her than pure, cold-minded survival.

….

Anyway, what has this got to do with Heru Wer?

 

Maybe nothing.

However, if I were to go out on a limb– I could guess that the largest takeaway, in the vein of the wisdom of Heru Wer could be about the brutality and consequences of fighting to live when there aren’t enough resources to go around…

In the following paragraphs, I believe Heru Wer assists me in understanding his perspective of things, in a lens or language that my Higher Self understands… I have edited some of the wording to flow better in structure, and as usual when using “godphone,” or attempting to casually channel gods, I have had to “translate” some of the messages into English from visual or spatial though-forms. However, I have tried to leave the integrity of the message as intact as possible.

….

(Unverified Personal Gnosis beyond this point, so take anything written with a grain of salt.)

“In a third-dimensional reality, there is an illusion of scarcity that tests the soul to its limits of experience.

“In a perfect world, in the realms of the infinite flow of Source, people have the ability to act perfectly– in alignment with the values of the greater natural laws (of prosperity, peace, and wisdom, love, and communion with Oneness)…

“However, within a mind-construction of lack, and of the desire of bodily survival– much of that can become necessarily thrown by the wayside for the sake of life itself– if that is your ultimate goal.

“It is the animal self that instinctually protects the body with absolute, cut-throat viciousness in the apparent absence of Source wisdom and flow. The human mind is its ally. If you are ever tested the way of war and extreme lack (May None of Us Ever Be), you will start to see that de-evolution of the human self back to those animalistic tendencies… And that is a lot of what plagues many of us even today– that survival mode of “fight, flight, or freeze.”

“The instinct of the mind to prioritize survival is buried so far down in the subconscious that to even begin releasing that inborn fear will take time and concentration… But that process is a neccessary step in the spiritual evolution of the soul– to move onward to higher dimensions of consciousness.

“So, for your consideration:

“In situations of fight or flight, how do you react? Do you have the ability to stop for a moment and react consciously– with the “Wise Mind,” of the harmony between the Logic and the Heart and the Soul?  Or do you react with anger, desperation, and fear?

“Your Wise Mind is what will tell you what to do in those “unwinnable” situations that– with blessings– May You Never Encounter.”

— “This has Been Heru The Greater , in contribution and collaboration with the Higher Mind of Robin, and the Effervescent Soul of Nephthys, in community with the gods of the Earth and the higher Wisdom of Source. May it flow as continuously as the Earthly source of the River Nile. [“End Punctuation.”]”

 

Thank you all for reading, and have a wonderful year in 2018!

–Robin

Of The Heart Road

We (Are Worthy)

I guess I may have been dishing out some hard truths lately.

Some intentionally….

I would say “some not,” but… I guess it takes a certain amount of self-containment to tell the truth at all.

As a grade-A coward, I know. Telling the truth is always intentional.

So if I said telling the truth wasn’t intentional… when I know how hurtful it can be to hear…  I would be lying.

Because I never want to cause anyone pain, and when I choose to take the risk, I know the risk I am taking keenly.

And in the moment I choose a truth or a lie,

I accept the consequences wholey.

As a diviner, I feel it is my duty to hold the space for a client (or querent) to receive a message they may not appreciate hearing.  The way I divine must be safe for them, so that the divination may have the most beneficial effect– even if it is unpleasant at the time.

Whether or not the client uses the information given is not my responsibility. Nor are a querent’s actions or choices a reflection on my worth as a diviner.

It is important to me to make sure, during a reading, that a querent is safe to express any feelings they have–  while taking none of these feelings personally.

However.

Because I am a flawed, inexact, and limited human being– I must also make space for my own boundaries when, and where, my ability to hold space ends….

It is a delicate balance that I must adapt to in the moment.

In the end, I follow my feelings in faith that my intuitive sense knows what is the most right I can do.

However…

I laugh, writing this.

I don’t want to dish out what I cannot take back!

So I am testing myself in my ability to take my own harsh truths with the following reading…

And before I even begin to pull cards, I ask in my mind,

“What is the hardest truth for me to accept?” 

An immediate internal-external response blows away all of my unstable shambles of confidence:

“You are worthy.”

 

“Worthy?” I think, “Sounds fake, but okay…”

I wonder if this is my ego… Some poor rambling fool trying to feel important…  But the response I hear immediately, again, chastises me.  I rush to my computer and try to get it all down:

“It is a right within you to live as you are able, including your triumphs, successes, and legacy gained. It it your right to move forward with your progress– in grateful service to the divine and the All That Is…

“All will come in time that you look for. Seek not to gain, but to triumph in the glory of spreading light farther and father, reaching out across the distance and the gaps, only to realize there are no gaps at all and the whole of everything we are is One…

“There is a reason your skills are needed at this time, in the place you are, you are an inexplicably perfect unique quality capable of performing the task you are given by the divine. And this goes for all [people]… You are a facet of a perfect being that is always harmoniously renewing itself inside and around us all, with faith and perserverance, in the ever unfolding tide of time and matter– unending, always cycling, forward, forward, and endlessly conjoining into an infinite whole of truth and prosperity and effervescence in sublime (subliminally) perfect union of everything…”

I want to bow my head in shame… or humility at these words…

“There is no shame! There is no humility! We are One. There is no NEED for shame.”

I’m… coming out of my trance and laughing because he sounds… SO ANNOYED, haha!

So remember that– you, with me– We.

There is no need for shame, nor humility, in the expression of your gifts– the expression of your spirit.

You are put on this earth with a beautiful and unique purpose, function, and grace– which you perform admirably simply by being.

Simply Be,

with me,

We.

And the world will stop.

And breathe again.

 

–Robin

Of The Heart Road.


 

P.S. (more “hard truths”)

“Your teeth need to be brushed.”

“Your heart needs to open even more for you to love Loki. No matter how afraid you are that he will hurt you again. He will not.”

“Sometimes…. People don’t like to be told they are wrong. *laughter* Not even you– you don’t like to be told that you are wrong– or that you are right!”

“Set loves you.” 

…..

Who is this?

Is this Osiris?

 

They’re not going to tell me. :/

P.P.S.

It was Osiris, Odin, AND Loki.

Journey Through Journalling: Week 1, Part 3.

Soul Speak

What things do you have trouble saying to yourself?

That I am worthwhile. I am lovable. I am a being of unique and beautiful qualities. I am wonderful. I deserve to be happy and have my needs met– no matter whether I am “useful” in the eyes of society.  Being Autistic is a beautiful and desirable thing, worthy, encompassing it’s own amazing talents and interests, and deserving of just as much space and accommodations in life as neurotypical people’s natural states.

 
What do you have trouble saying to other people?

What you did and said is hurtful and oppressive and wrong. You. Are. Wrong. THAT. IS. WRONG. That is IMMORAL and UNJUST and UN-COMPASSIONATE. I DO NOT agree. I extremely DO NOT agree. It is NOT my job to CARE for your feelings. It is NOT my obligation to provide Emotional LABOR for you. It is NOT my RESPONSIBILITY to EDUCATE YOU. I DO NOT have to provide you with SOURCES OR ARGUMENTS FOR MY LIVED EXPERIENCES. You ARE NOT OWED my time NOR energy. “FUCK . OFF.” I HATE YOU AND ALL THE PAIN YOU CAUSE ME IN YOUR SELF-CENTERED, UNCARING, BIGOTED, MAL-INTENDED, OBSTINATE, LOUD, INSISTENT OBLIVIOUS MOUTH-PIECING TO EVERYONE BECAUSE YOU FEEL ENTITLED TO.

 
What emotions do you have trouble expressing? What emotions do you have trouble holding back?

Anger and shame.

 
What do you have trouble asking for?

Help. Especially with emotions. Especially with money. Especially with ADHD. Especially with all the ways people have told me I was “broken,” when really I am just disabled….

Disability is a social construct. And if there were more supports in the world, we would not be considered “abnormal” or even “disabled.” It is society which disables me. AND FUCK YOU.

(*Note: The Social Model of Disability is not agreed upon by all disabled people. Especially those with Chronic Illnesses may find the Medical– or some combination of the Social and Medical models useful. But the validity of these distinctions is not for non-disabled people to decide.)

Passion

This leads easily into passion– since anger is consistently the emotion I have the most difficulty expressing in healthy and helpful ways.

Passion is not always anger, but anger is always passionate– or in the case of bitterness, reveals a hidden passion.

Anger is the soul saying STOP THIS INJUSTICE.

But anger is also used to harm when it is lacking perspective– When men are only allowed to show anger as their only emotion, everything suppressed becomes a deep inner anger at the suppression itself. But, lacking perspective that is gleaned thorough being in touch with the rest of their emotions, that anger is directed outward, toward women, toward other men, toward children, toward people they feel justified in hating, toward people that are convenient (those they have power over).

 

Grudges

Grudges and bitterness are suppressed anger. Anger that was never expressed, and therefore became toxic and self-harming.

I have many grudges.

I have a lot of unexpressed anger.

Grudges hurt the person who holds them and should be released through healing and (self-)forgiveness, as soon as it is possible…. But it’s hard…. It’s very hard.

Anyone who tells you forgiveness is easy has no idea what they’re talking about. Anyone who tries to pressure or force you to forgive does not have your best interest at heart. They probably drink a lot of Christianity-gone-toxic Koolaid.

Why would they think something easy would be so potent?

Besides.

Forgiveness is an internal process. And internal things are often messy and complicated and …. worth it.

 

–Robin

Of The Heart Road

Journey Through Journalling: Week 1, Part 2

Love

I love Set so much…

I never knew what it was like before to still be in love after the “honeymoon phase,” or the new relationship energy.

I never knew before what it’s like to love someone, not because you feel empty and they fill you up, but because you feel whole and they shine with you, beside you…

(Equal not in the way of grand powers of the universe… Or sheer expanse of knowledge collected over milennia…  but respectful in the way of autonomy and self-determination– and being worthy. Worthwhile. Unique. Splendid.)

That kind of love where words don’t seem to matter as much as touch… Gentle and chased touches potent with tangible feeling convey so much more.

And love fills layers between each breath and moment with the tenderest, sweetest, richest intimacy…

He kisses me– he lays his head upon my shoulder– and I am in awe of how soft he can be… How gentle. How strangely fragile..

“He of great strength…”

He is a true beauty of this world. Precious beyond measure. Beautiful as the stars. Entwined with my heart. My most precious treasure, my most trusted advisor, my dearest friend, and my closest ally.

 

Comfort

Home should be the place where you feel most comfortable. This is the place you retreat, to rest. This is the foundation upon which all other daily acts are built. We know now that a person’s quality of sleep determines how well they are the rest of the day. And even if we haven’t read the studies, we feel it.  But I believe this extends to not just the act of sleeping, nor the physical area of the bedroom, but to the state of the entire living space.

The physical environment in which we live– the immediate surroundings, and the people who have access to them, and by extension, our time and energy make an enormous difference in our physical and mental health. That was why it was so important to escape my parent’s house with the help of a friend– throwing anything that would fit into his car and leaving the city abruptly, with no job and no long-term living arrangements.

To this day, and despite the enormous difficulties that followed, I am still completely certain I made the right choice. With that decision, I saved my on life.

Though I now live with two amazing and remarkable friends, who are also compatible as roommates, and the specter of abuse has quieted to a vague and unsettling memory…. I’ve found my ambitions are meeting the monumental resistance of the laundry on the floor… and the books on the desks….

If I am to develop a business from home, it stands to reason I should be comfortable with my home first. I need desk space to work. I need shelves and cabinets to organize. I need decoration to inspire… I need my shower to be clean to want to clean my body more than twice a week.

How this is going to work out, with my ADHD-and-Depression-induced executive dysfunction… is anyone’s guess.  I’ve been dedicating small household chores to “ma’at,” to keep myself motivated and consistent.

 

–Robin

Of the Heart Road

Reply to “Tips on Discerning When an Entity Has Romantic or Sexual Feelings for you” by Ymirshvolpur

Here’s my response to Ymirshvolpur’s post, and how I started dating Set and Loki.

Music and Dashomancy are really big “passive” divination sources for me…

But as for specifics… Set appeared immediately after I told myself I was ready to start dating again. Like. IMMEDIATELY, as if he was listening to my thoughts for the right moment to appear in my life again… Sidled right up to me, within energy-sensing range, and whispered, “I can help with that,” into my ear… Then every time I asked him what his intentions were, or how he felt about me, I would get either Two of Cups, The Lovers (Tarot), or images and signs of marriage. Also, he was extremely flirty, playful, and openly sexual. Not to mention his energy felt magnetic and BLAZING and amazing!

With Loki, it was far more difficult to tell…. First I thought we were just friends…. Then one day, I “heard” him tease me, saying, “You know, you’re really godspouse material!” I laughed it off and ignored it, because sometimes he’s full of shit and because I thought he was just messing with me. And I was especially determined NOT to be another smitten consort of Loki (lolololol, that’s going so well……)

Well, Set invited him along in a sexual encounter after I had been fantasizing about him a little too much THAT WAY…. And I was embarrassed, and at first Set was trying to introduce him as a “mysterious stranger” for our threesome, and I was finally like, “…….You’re Loki, aren’t you? I can sense you through that disguise. Come on, I know it’s you…” So, sheepishly, we all admitted this was a thing we wanted. I thought it was just going to be sexual after that, but no….

But then one night I found him waiting for me outside of work, by my car (in the energy-sensing way), beside four (physical) empty bottles of vodka and a pile of barf, while the song, “I’m Gonna Rock and Roll All Night…” played in my head…. I sensed him still around as I drove home. Tthe radio played some really …. bizarre songs… including “Magic Man,” by Heart– then ended as I got home, with the song, “Hey Jealousy.” The singer asks to seek comfort with an old flame that has moved on, but he hasn’t. Based on lyrical cues, I finally got the message of, “….. Wait….. Are you in love with me?” And he was like, “Yeah, and you are with me— don’t give me that shit! You know I’m right! Stop pretending!!” Next thing I knew, he was astral-kissing me, and ready to get nekkid, and I had to remind him he was drunk and that wouldn’t be cool of me…. But then, yeah, the secret was out.

Where Jotnar Tread

(as requested by a friend on tumblr)

Godspousery/ being a non corporeal consort is one of the more hotly contested topics within the greater polytheist community. Most prominently the argument is over whether it’s fundamentally possible for a god to love a human. As someone who is married to one jötun, mated to another, and committed though not formally bonded in such a way to a third, I’m obviously in the camp that it’s quite possible. That said, even if one believes it’s possible, it’s often still incredibly hard to wrap one’s head around the idea of a deity actually loving them or even just wanting to bang. This causes people to ignore and therefore miss signs that a deity is sending on this topic. I know I’m incredibly guilty of this myself. (After all, I was oblivious to Angrboða’s attempts to get my attention for a month until I cracked a…

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